Sunday, May 20, 2012


That's the ratio of published entries to total entries on this blog.  That means I've got 83 drafts either half finished or just started as a title to remember what I want to write about later.  Well later has come!  I'm going to make it my goal during nap time all this week to actually stay awake and to either delete or complete this huge list of drafts waiting for me.

83 drafts!  Who does that!?

Harvey D: Douche Detector

I've gotten seriously mixed reviews whenever I tell someone we're considering the name Harvey for the he-tus.

Some people love it and say they love grandparent names and can totally see me with a Harvey.  Some people just politely say, "Oh, cool" when it's obvious they don't really like it but don't want to be rude, because it's not their kid.

Then there's the people who tell me, "You realize he's going to get made fun, right?"...  Really?  Who exactly is going to make fun of him?  Douches like you?

You're a kid for exactly 18 years.  During that time, other kids will make fun of you for something.  Anything.  I was fat - EASY.  This one kid in elementary school constantly smelled like piss - EASY.  One boy cried all the time - EASY.  There were a buncha kids that got made fun of for eating boogers or not brushing their hair or wearing sweatpants every day - EASY!  If Harvey gets made fun of for his name, I'll be glad because that means I've managed to save him from the role of Smelly/Fat/Ugly/Gross/Poor/Wimpy Kid.  If he makes it out of high school still alive and not completely battered by all those mean kids making fun of his old man name, then he'll be an adult, with an adult name, for the majority of his life.  Imagine that!

Secondly, being made fun of for his name will give Harvey a good gauge for douchery.  If we end up definitely naming him that, I'll be sure to tell him who made fun of him in utero!  Because when I hear an adult say "He'll get made fun of", I hear "I'm making fun of him!".  Six year olds can't possibly know that the last time Harvey was a popular name was 1940, but if they do and they tease him then I'll remind him that's not the type of person you want to be friends with anyway.

And last, let's take a look at who Harvey's classmates will be anyway.  There will be the Same Name group over in one corner - Aiden, Caden, Jayden, Brayden.  There will be the ever popular Biblical Names - Levi, Eli, Noah, Jacob, James, David.  The X's - Max, Xavier, Felix, Jaxon, Xander, Dexter.  And at the lunch same table with them will be all the Hipster Kids - Sebastian, Oliver, Milo, Kingston, Asher, Hugo, Rufus, Elvis, Hudson.  And smelling each other's farts in the bathroom will be the Creative Spellings and the Made Up Names - Ethen, Kamren, Konner, Ulises, Izayah, Van, Kohen, Brecken, Jagger, Hendrix, Nixon, Kash. These are all from the Top 1000 list from 2011!  I'm hardly worried about Harvey being the worst name out there.

So there, all you naysayers.  Stop acting like you care about my kid being made fun of and just admit you're either really boring, really narrow-minded, or just really immature and like to make fun of infants.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Birth ain't beautiful.

As I'm gearing up to birth a baby at the end of this summer, I'm giving extra attention to the many pictures on the Facebook announcing my friends' new babies!  It's exciting, except some ladies post a lot of naked gooey newborns and exhausted sweaty mom pictures with comments like "So beautiful!  The miracle of life!  Look at the beautiful momma!"  I even watched a live birth last week and the chatters exclaimed how beautiful the process was and how she looked like a Lotus Queen Earth Mother, or some hippie shit, I dunno.


As a concept, making life is a positive, awe-inspiring, yes.  But I believe "beautiful" is far from the correct adjective.  Let me remind you of this process, ladies and gentlemen.

First, two humans engage in the most awkward, sweaty, animalistic and hilarious act (seriously, think about sex objectively and try not to laugh at the image), which results in the man shooting some viscous love liquid into a moist tunnel of skin folds, bacteria, and mucus.  Delightful.

The result shortly thereafter is Zygote Cheese.  Remember that?  The beginning of life that looks eerily like a mold spore?  Breath-taking.

Zygote Cheese.

Then the fetus goes through several stages of ugly before looking even remotely cuddly and baby-like.  The 8 week "ET jelly bean".  The 11 week "Big-headed Shrimp".  The 14 week "Lou Ferrigno Head on Nicole Richie Body".  Charming.

Hug me Mommy!  Love, Platopotamus Alien Baby.

Meanwhile, Mom's body is going through ungodly disgusting changes.  Any mucus-making orifice she owns has become a slip-and-slide - but not in a fun way, in a I think something foreign just slipped out of me way. Parts of the body become wider - the hips, the rib cage, the nose.  Nothing says "beautiful" like a 4 foot wide nose on a pizza face.  The boobs grow also.  Awesome, right?  Except so do the nipples.  The big sexy dark teacup nipples.  Stretchmarks everywhere.  Cellulite everywhere.  Veins everywhere.  Hair everywhere.  Yes, personal hygiene does become a challenge at some point (but to be fair, we put up with with you stinky men for our entire lives).  Heavenly.

Finally comes the big day.  Somehow a microscopic single sperm and an egg have developed into an 8 pound being floating in water inside of a woman's torso, peeing in it and drinking it too!  When the fetus has finished development, it shoots out hormones through the placenta into mom's body through some creepy mom-fetus language, and it says "Hey!  I'm ready to come out of your vagina now!"

Here I will admit, some women manage to not look atrocious during labor.  Hypnobabies helps some apparently.  An epidural helps a lot.  Most laborous ladies though, are struggling with the pain of their insides simultaneously imploding and exploding, and so they make some very not beautiful faces, gestures, and body movements.  Not to mention the grunts and groans suggesting they're pooping out a St. Bernard.

At some point, if it didn't happen days earlier, the mucus plug will make an appearance.  It's like a poorly mixed raspberry Jello shot.  This suggests the cervix is dilating.  What's a cervix?  It's a zip tie at the meeting place of the vagina and the uterus to keep all the baby mess in and all the Daddy mess out (zing!).

Even a heart-shaped mucus plug still had to fall from a vagina.

At the completion of dilation, the zip tie has expanded enough to fit a bagel through it, if you're into that sort of thing (or just a baby I guess).  The baby then begins its descent down through the very love tunnel that it and its siblings and its fallen comrades originally entered, lubricated by pee-water fluid, blood, and a white Cheez Whiz coating called vernix.

Somehow, the vagina pulls off the greatest magic trick known to mankind, and expels a baby.  Sometimes, due to the magician's miscalculations, it rips.  Yup, just tears right open.  Then some lady with some gloves and a mask and a spotlight gets all up in it with some needle and thread and says, "Do you want to keep the old model or should I give you the upgrade?"

So then you have this Cheez Whiz baby there looking like a wet old man in his birthday suit, still connected to you by a curly fry flesh hose and the lovely raw-beef-and-butthole organ known as the placenta.  That eventually makes its way out, and then all Mom is left with is her tiger-striped mud flap belly, and her exploding boobs.  HELLO picture opportunity!  Ravishing.

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I admit I don't mind at all seeing those intimate pictures, but I'll be damned if this is not gross!

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

In today's news, NC confirmed it's a backward redneck craphole. With beautiful beaches!

Yesterday, people sat at home praying for God to end hunger and homelessness and suffering in the world.

Today, people actually got up and did something in the name of God!  Hallelujah!  

Dem gays was already banned from marriage, but let's make it a constitutional A-MENdment so they know we means business!  

Get it?  It's a picture of a cherry being picked? 
I needed something to take up space.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Hey asshole Warehouse shoppers. Fuck you.

It's the annual "Annoy The Warehouse Members By Asking Them To Donate One Whole Dollar to Children's Miracle Network" time at The Warehouse that employs me.  These assholes come in here and blow $400 on cheesecakes and shoes and fancy colored ceramic serving bowls with fancy fucking lids, and use their $35 worth of coupons, and then I ask them if they'd like to donate a dollar to help the children and they look at me as if to say "You think I can afford to just give money away?  I have children of my own and a mortgage and a 4 pack of beach chairs to support."

My favorite responses:

I already gave last time.  Well, you can give this time too.  Give some little cancer kid a pack of crayons or a second of chemo or some hope or something.  Thanks a lot for your one time one dollar donation, douche.

I'd rather donate to something else, like breast cancer.  My mother died of breast cancer.  That's sad and I'm sorry to hear that, but did you know your mother was a child once?  Yup!  I bet she even got sick once or twice.  Good thing she didn't get too sick though or else she wouldn't have had the chance to spawn generous you from her loins and you wouldn't have had the chance to stand in front of me and explain why you're the biggest cheapskate ever.

I already donate enough to them, I work there.  Oh, you're right.  I won't ask you to donate a single dollar of your doctor salary every again.  Oh and one more thing, IT'S A DOLLAR.  You don't even have to sign the stupid balloon if you don't want to.

Do I get anything?  Ok, valid question I guess.  Some stores give scratch-offs with coupons in exchange for your dollar donation.  That's hardly a donation though.  That's just buying a coupon.  Where's the feel-good in that?  Do people even know how to be kind?  By sharing ONE GODDAMN DOLLAR with a sick child?

Seriously people, it's just a dollar.  If every person that came into The Warehouse donated a dollar today, it'd be like $1500.  If the people who "donated last time" donated every time they came into The Warehouse, it'd be like $4 a month.  People really can't give that?
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