No soap for you!

Oy.  How to say this without sounding like a grossbutt.  Is that possible?

Well first, Happy No Shave November!  I just found out that apparently No Shave November is intended for male use only, for awareness of ball cancer or something.  Whatevs.  I can be aware of ball cancer the same as any man.  PLUS, I'm married, so really every month is No Shave November right?  Sorry Joe.

Anyway, more about me being gross.  There's really no way to ease into this subject, so I'll stop beating around the bush (heh heh).

I don't use soap.

Joe's been calling me a hippie non-stop for the past 3 weeks since he found out.  I am also into giving birth naturally, electric lawnmowers and pulling empty bottles out of the trash to put them into the recycling bin.  I've also only used shampoo a handful of times in the past 2 years.  Yeah, maybe I am a tad hippy dippy.

It all started when Joe stuck a baby in me.  I was already the type to suffer through aches and pains because "who knows what Advil really does to you and it doesn't work anyway", but suddenly I had a tiny person inside me and was aware of everything I was putting into myself and of all the crazy shit that was in the outside world that would be housing my tiny person in a few months.  I didn't want anything I put on her or in her or near her to affect the rest of her life negatively.  I didn't want her to end up a fatty like me so I was crazy about food for a while.  I didn't want her hormones messed with so we did all organic meat and milk for a while.  I didn't want her to end up allergic or sensitive to certain materials or chemicals so everything touching her was cotton and fragrance free and blahblah.  I didn't want her to have skin like mine (dry and acne-prone) so we didn't overdo it on the baths and used just a small amount of product.  And so on.

Eventually I got over it and got lazy again, on most things.  Now I'm crunchy only when it doesn't require extra effort or money, or if it only requires a tiny bit of extra effort but saves me a ton of money.  And such is the case with no pooing.  I read about no pooing right around the time all my pregnancy mane was falling out after Violet, and so my hair went from thick and shiny to this weird thick-ish-maybe, dull frizzy rat's nest-ness, and I figured there was no way my hair could be worse.  So I picked up a 10 pound bag of baking soda at Costco (it is SO HUGE [that's what she said]) and went two months without shampooing my hair... took a regular shampoo hiatus, then a few months later I whipped my baking soda bag back out and the rest is history.  I now have only used shampoo in my hair every once in a while (like maybe monthly, if that) when I run out of baking soda in the shower and am enjoying the warm water too much to get out and refill my cup.  I don't know if it's because I have that I-don't-give-a-fuck type of hair or what, but as far as I'm concerned you can't tell a damn difference, except my hair doesn't look plastered down to my scalp with oil the next morning.

So I noticed my hair had become less greasy from the lack of shampoo chemicals and crap, and it got me wondering about how my skin might react to less chemicals.  Normally I have awful awful dry skin with excema patches everywhere and open, bleeding cracks.  I'm extremely sensitive to scented things, and even just water would cause my skin to get tight and then feel rough a few minutes later.  One day (while I was still pregnant with Leela) I ran out of body wash, so I was just like "screw it" and didn't bother buying anymore.  I gave my body an extra scrub with water at shower time and went on with my day.  I didn't feel any cleaner or dirtier after my showers so I figured I'd just keep going with it until I was at the store the next time and could pick up a bottle of something. 

I'm happy to report that 10 months later I have yet to pick up that bottle!  My skin is dry-patch-free and is never tight feeling or itchy like it used to be.  And I'm sure I've saved tons in body wash.  On days I get extra schweddy or dirty in some way, I mix up another cup of baking soda water and rinse with that.

So.  There's my dirty secret.  Go ahead and call me a hippie if you must, but I'm immune to it after the bashing I've received from Joe over the last weeks!  But I will raise this point in favor of No Soaping - it took me telling Joe after 10 months of not using any for him to realize I don't use soap.  And he, on occasion, goes near my should-be-stinky parts, so he would be the one to know know if I'm unhygienic, right?  Right.  +1 for water bathing!

If you have fun this Halloween, you're doing it wrong.

Per WBAL, here's some costume and candy tips for keeping safe this Halloween:

• To further limit fire danger from candles and jack-o'-lanterns, avoid costumes made with flimsy materials and outfits with big, baggy sleeves or billowing skirts.
• When trick-or-treaters are going out at night, the worst thing is a mask that restricts their vision, the CPSC says. Parents should consider widening the eye holes on masks or use face paint instead.
• Lastly, when it comes to swords, knives and similar costume accessories chose ones that are flexible and made of a soft material, not rigid or sharp.
• Tell children to watch the candy being dropped in their bag and to try to remember who gave them what. Or children can take the candy themselves, helping them to better remember who gave them a certain treat.
• One Michigan woman is putting address labels on candy so that parents know which neighbor the candy came from.
• Watch for signs of tampering, such as small pinholes in wrappers and torn or loose packages.

Also consider:

• To completely avoid any loose costume material catching fire or snagging on fences, dip your child in a tub of latex paint and let them go as a naked hotdog
• Before letting your infant crawl to the neighbor's house across the street, purchase and apply tiny kneepads 
• Have children ask to see adults take a bite of the candy they're handing out to be sure it is not poisoned
• To prevent falls on your property, load candy into shotgun and shoot it at children as they walk by on the public sidewalk
• While driving on Halloween night, be mindful of excited trick-or-treaters darting out into the road.  Keep your headlights turned off so as not to distract children while crossing the street.  If possible, drive extremely fast to your destination to decrease your time on the road and your chance of hitting someone
• Discard of homemade trick-or-treat goodies immediately.  Also do not accept candy from white men in vans, people in sweatpants, old men named Herbert, gingers, African Americans, Hispanics, Chuck Testa, or anyone with a carved pumpkin on their front porch.
• Do not trust your child to stay in well-lit areas, or to be capable of holding on to a flashlight.  Have your child swallow radioactive material so they will glow wherever they go.
• The easiest way to stay safe on Halloween is to take all Halloween activities out of the equation.  Lock yourself in your house with a bowl of applesauce and watch re-runs of Storage Wars.

Almost naked hot dogs.

Ways to Die at The Maryland Zoo in Baltimore

Walk across this moving bridge when it moves a little too much.

Explore the dark bat cave on a cold rainy day when there's no one at the zoo to hear you screaming if an ax murderer is hiding behind a corner.

Suffocation by giant nutsack bird's nest.

Fatal case of goat herpes, or bleed out by bitten off tongue

Embarassment.

FoodTruck The Gathering

Joe and I have a semi-secret dream to someday run a food truck.  We'll sell portable pizza and pies and call it the Pie-By (let the timestamp show I posted this 10/13/11 so that I can sue some assbag if he tries to steal it) and it will be awesome.  Everyone'll want a pizza the action (see what I did there?)!  Until we hit the lottery though, or some rich family member we've never met dies and leaves us a fortune, we'll be frequenting others' food trucks and taking critical notes as food truck hopefuls. 

We went to The Gathering, Baltimore's monthly food truck rally, last week for the second time.  My main motivation in going was to try some chocolate covered bacon (aka Heaven?) from The Gypsy Queen Cafe.  While I was standing in line I was imagining the raving review I was going to write about my slice of Heaven and the Crab Cone that I had previously been skeptical of.  I was going to have Joe take suggestive photos of me sucking the tip of the cone dry and everything because it was going to be that good.  I rehearsed my order in my head God knows how many times because I didn't want a stutter or a slur or a volume issue to delay my face stuffing by even one second. 

When I finally reached the line and ordered and got my total, I died a little inside.  Something like $28 to feed just Joe and I, not including drinks.  But they had the goods and I needed a fix so I didn't hesitate to hand over my debit card.  Then Baldy McGypsyDude tells me in his best asshole voice "Uh. We're cash only tonight".  What the fuck?  Who uses cash anymore??  Ok, I realize that like 1% of the population does visit the bank still, so I had confirmed with the merchandise tent lady BEFORE getting in line to make sure they were taking cards, on the off chance that the Holders of the Bacon were catering to the 1%.  Who knew Frizzy McGypsyBitch would lie to a customer, or that Team McGypsyDicks would not communicate this fact amongst each other and/or then put up a goddam sign on their truck to spare folks like me from standing in a long line just for the biggest let down of their Friday?

I ended up not getting anything because of their colossal douchiness.  I'm disappointed though.  And I'll probably give them another shot at some point, because aside from this Cash Only crap, they're doing a lot of things right.  So with their inspiration, here's how I plan to run a successful food truck.

1.  Have an awesome name.  When Joe and I went to our first Gathering a few months ago we got these bombin Turkish tacos from... some truck.  I don't know if the name wasn't memorable or if the truck wasn't labeled correctly, but they could take a lesson from the clever-named, more identifiable trucks, like Gypsy Queen, Iced Gems, and Souper Freak.

Something falafel, something gyro-ish, and something chicken from the something truck

2.  Be recognizable.  A quick google search led me to the name of the taco truck - Cazbar!  Not a bad name, not sure why I didn't remember it.  But I did remember its big bright redness and knew it immediately when I saw it on the search.  Good save, Cazbar!  Also at the top of this list, along with the Gypsy Queen, is Flippin' Pizza.

3.  Provide variety.  If you wanna roll with the big trucks, you can't just have chocolate and vanilla soft serve, or cheese and pepperoni pizza (sorry whatever ice cream truck was there and Flippin Pizza).  Gypsy Queen wins hands down on this one with their menu of tacos, burgers, seafood things and desserts.  Or if you're going to focus on one type of food (such as cupcakes or soup or grilled cheese), then figure out a way to make it different than the boring shit I'm going to make in my own kitchen.  Perfect example: GrrChe offers a grilled cheese sandwich with mac&cheese and pulled pork.  Yeah.  (However, GrrChe clearly skipped rule #1).

Burger cupcake from Iced Gems!

4.  Provide quality.  I hate to dish on Flippin Pizza again, but we got Violet a slice of their pizza and it tasted like soggy day old Dominos at best.  I know I'm eating food from a truck, but I don't want it to taste like that, you know?  I want to feel like I'm eating food with Tom Colicchio, not Andrew Zimmern.  And let's face it, I could easily be fooled into thinking your food is top quality if you just throw some frou-frou ingredients on it, like lobster and truffle oil and watercress.  Mmm, that sounds like rich person food, I'll have some!

I'm high on cupcake!

5.  Make food that people want.  The food truck version of Put A Bird On It is Put Some Bacon In It.  The most successful trucks I saw had bacon on their menu, because people can't get enough of its greasy salty disgusting deliciousness for some reason.  So give the people what they want!  Consider a truck called BACON, painted like a slice of bacon, serving different variations of bacon-wrapped bacon.  Also, this is Baltimore, so incorporate crabcakes and Berger cookies and you've got yourself a food truck.  Honorable mention to Creperie Breizh with the Nutella.

6.  Make your menu visible.  If you are a food truck on the side of the road and your name or decor haven't made it clear what you are trying to put in me, and if your menu was printed on a 8.5"x11" paper from a bubblejet, I will not patronize you.  So fix that.  Big ups to Iced Gems on this one for their dry erase magnetic strips stuck on the side of their van!

7.  Take advantage of social networking.  Seriously.  Except don't expect me to "Like" you because I've already had to hide all the other trucks I like to avoid going broke or (re-)getting fat when they pop up in my newsfeed and tempt me to meet them at their current location in Baltimore City.

I told him "Look hungry" and this is what he gives me?

8.  Don't be a dick.  Ok, obviously I'm just a little sour still about not getting my crab cone.  Gypsy Queen is lucky they're doing so many other things right so at some point I'll get over myself and hand over my $12.  Had a less successful truck left me hanging, they'd be done to me.

Future scared white woman

Whenever I turn the vacuum on, Leela starts yelling and screaming because she's scared of the loud sound.  But then she crawls toward it as fast as she can to see what the sound is. 

It reminds me of the opening scene of every thriller/horror movie where the young, vulnerable, pretty white lady is home alone at night and she hears a noise in the next room of her giant house, and rather than calling the cops or getting the hell out of there, she walks toward the sound with her wooden spatula as a weapon, and everyone in the audience is screaming NO YOU DUMB WOMAN, TURN AROUND!

I hope Leela gets some sense to her before she can run.

There's another man in my life

His name is John John. 

He's Violet's imaginary friend.

And he fucking creeps me out.

Our first introduction to "him" was in July, right after Joe and I had watched a scary movie in the past week, and Violet's all pointing to the doorway in our bedroom and talking to it like they used to be best friends but haven't seen each other in a while.  WTF.  Anyway, so then a few weeks later, he's in our living room by a doorway again.  She's telling me where he is and then walking over to him and handing him stuff.  They even played flashcards!  Which is cool with me if this weirdo ghost guy wants to keep Violet up on her letter sounds (though he seemed to kinda suck, because she kept saying "What's dis?.... noooooooo!"  It's obviously a Q idiot.  Anyway.)  For a while she was seeing him everywhere, and even though he's not real I felt violated.  Why is this imaginary MAN in my house alone with me and my two daughters, playing with one of them?  And not helping clean some dishes or something at least?

She forgot about him for a while, or maybe he was out of town, I dunno.  But then he came back, and now his name is John John!  (Oh, maybe he was an illegal immigrant and he was away trying to get his papers in order?)  The weird thing is, Violet has NEVER named anything.  Any time I ask her "What's its name?" she repeats back to me "What's its name?!" with her little over-inflected voice.  The closest she's come is when I was "helping" her name her My Little Ponies the other day, and I named one Purple Nurple and she changed it to Purple Durple (one of them is also named Dave - for some reason that makes me laugh).  So on one hand, that's kinda cool that she maybe has hit some Gives Play Objects Names milestone by giving this "him" a real human name.  But on the other hand, what if he gave himself that name?  And just now told her because he was tired of hearing me ask what his name is all the time?  All the what-ifs that come with this John John fella are just too much for me (What if he's sitting on my lap and laughing while I poop?!  Because that's what I'd do if I was a ghost.)

So, I dunno.  This guy needs to get out or start contributing to the bills.  I don't think he eats anything, except maybe souls, but he's probably walking around turning lights on and off all the time when we're sleeping, so ghost better gimme my money!

Kid craft: Fridgerpillars!

I have really resisted making this a mommy blog because I'll be damned if these things take over my entire life.

The fact is though, I spend approximately every single waking second with these children, feeding, clothing, wiping their various orifices, building block towers, applying popsicle lipstick, teaching them, learning from them, separating them in a Little People Plane fight, and sometimes yelling and then feeling guilty.  And on the rare occasion I'm not with them, I'm hoping they're ok and that Joe has remembered to feed them.  I'm a mombie, whether I like it or not.

They're pretty cool kids anyway, so to deny myself and my blog of them anymore (not that I was really doing that great a job) is just plain bogusness.  And maybe I'll start updating more often again this way.  So with that!  Begin the Lamefest!

***

Today I came up with my own little craft that I'm pretty proud of!  It's not really that great or clever or anything and probably not even an original idea, but I didn't follow any How-To for it, so uh, booyah.

We have an abundance of sticky button magnets and fridge art and a shortage on cute fridge magnets.  I went through all of our craft drawer today and the end result was this guy...

I'm not going to insult your intelligence and give you a step by step instruction list on how to do this, because I'm not a dick like that.  I will, however, give you a pre-written shopping list in case you don't have all these things on hand already.  I'm a Dollar Store whore, so you can make like 25 caterpillars for maybe $6 if you're so inclined.  Or you could make some fancier ones with craft store supplies for not much more money (but I'm poor folks).

You need:

• Construction paper
• Googly eyes
• Fuzzy balls
• Craft sticks
• Self-adhesive button magnets
• Pipe cleaners
• Glue
• Marker
• Scissors

For those of you with a photographic memory.

I made the faces first.  I cut the circles out and let Violet draw all over them, and I drew a few too obviously. The cool thing about it is even if your kid's no genius like mine and doesn't know how to draw a smiley face yet, the second you plop those googly eyes on there suddenly it's an identifiable face.  You'll be looking at the squiggles like "OMG, is that a nose she drew right there?!  With a booger in it even!  Such attention to detail!  And look at the smile she drew - that caterpillar must be smiling because she loves her mommy!  Hey check out that mole!"  Once you guys are done scribbling and drawing faces, put two little dots on there and let your kiddo place the googly eyes on.  I don't know why, but it just about made Violet's life getting to put the eyeballs on herself.  Then apply antennaes and sit aside to dry while you work on the body!

What's funny about this picture is you can't see Violet doesn't have any pants on.

I threw some craft sticks down and shot some glue in their general direction and told Violet to apply fuzzy balls.  I was actually impressed that she managed to put them all on the sticks in an actual caterpillar-body-fashion, but I'm sure they would have looked just as adorable with holes too.  Note: two mistakes I made -  It's easier to stick the magnets on the back BEFORE the front is covered in fuzzy balls, and leave a little space of unglued craft stick to apply the head.  I managed to fit my heads on there, but I expect them to be decapitated by the end of the week.  Also note:  If you're feeling ambitious, go ahead and add some legs.  I would have done so with my extra pipe cleaners, but caterpillars have like 40 legs, and I wanted my fridgerpillars to be life-like (like-like amputee caterpillars).  And I'm lazy.  An easy solution might be to use a strip of construction paper along the bottom and cut every quarter inch or so, to create "fringe" legs?  Mine are done and I'm not editing this anymore, so if any of you over achievers go for it, post a picture (and thanks for showing me up, a-hole).

Then, parade those little fridgerpillar fellas up on your fridge surrounding only the prettiest artwork.  You're welcome!

I'm getting Joe some of those TV Ears for Christmas

Holy craaaaaaap I haven't updated in forever!  I just haven't had anything to talk about because I've had a really lazy week or two and haven't actually interacted with people in a while.

And speaking of crap, I have a little TMI-licious story to share.


Joe:  Home from work, walks in front door, as I'm walking away from front door.

k8:  Hi, I have to poop and then take a shower, do you need me for anything first?

Joe:  What?  No?

k8:  In bathroom with door closed and shower running.  Pooping.

Joe:  Opening door slowly.  Oh, I do need to pee before you get a sho...

k8:  IMPOOPINGSHUTTHEFUCKINGDOORGETOUT

Joe:  Ewwwww I heard it!  What the fuck!  Why didn't you tell me you were pooping!  *dies a little*


This is what I live with.  The man doesn't hear a single word I say to him ever, and then when he has to deal with the repercussions of not hearing listening to me, he freaks out.  HOW do you not hear me say loud and clear that I am about to do my business, but you have the perfect timing to hear a quiet little poop sound over screaming children and a running shower?  Because.  Men are retarded.  Another one of my favorites is when I will ask him to hand me something that is directly next to him ("Can you hand me the diaper by your foot?") then he walks away from it looking for anything I might need because he only heard "hand me".  Or when I say his name 4 times trying to get his attention, then I finally YELL his name, and he's all "Why are you yelling at me?!  You can't just start talking to me when I'm not paying attention!!"

So I wanna get him some of those TV Ears for old people and keep it on Volume 11 so he won't have a choice but to hear what I say to him!  Or maybe they could come up with an anti-selective-hearing For Married Men edition that absorbs and interprets every word I say that he misses (all of them) and shoots instructive electrode shocks into his brain through his ears so he can't say he didn't hear me when I told him we're going to my mother's for dinner this weekend.  Yup.  Get working on that TV Ears!

Obligatory Potty Training Post

Hey Nature!  High five for making this week-long rainfall coincide with the depletion of Violet's diaper supply!!

We've been stuck inside all week so I decided to take advantage and take a stab at potty training.  Errr, my intention wasn't really to potty train, because that sounds entirely too ambitious.  But I figured I would put her in undies and pretend for a week that I don't mind cleaning up puddles of piss on the floor, and if at some point in this week she happened to take a preference to putting that pee in the potty then I'd push it, but if not then I'd just "squeeze" her little tush in Leela's diapers (I say "squeeze" because Leela has the biggest ass of any 7 month old ever and Violet fits in her size 4 Huggies better than Leela).

Day 1:  Monday was Labor Day, so I took the day off from the non-essential momming.  Basically I changed diapers and fed them and then let them "work out their problems on their own" in the morning, then in the afternoon we headed to my mom's for an indoor cookout where I proceeded to stuff myself full of egg salad and hamburgers and throw my children to my mother.  So pee cleaning was not even on the radar for this day.  Off to a good start!

Day 2:  Tuesday, Violet woke up and I removed her 8 pound diaper and just never put one back on.  By nap time we had one puddle in the kitchen chair, one river following the length of the hallway, and one pair of Foofa undies holding up a shit-tail.  After nap I delayed her Pull-up removal a little while, then she freeballed it with no accidents until her bedtime Pull-up which I'm sure was soaked before that cute little booty even touched the sheets.

Day 3:  Re-read Day 2, but add a defeated Me sitting on the sidelines, ready to call the whole thing off.

Day 4:  Thursday, Violet wised up to the fact that she doesn't like wet undies or legs, and she DEFINITELY doesn't like getting a bath every time she wets herself (she may or may not be bath-averse and I may or may not have been using that in hopes of scaring her dry), and decides to hold it ALL. Morning. Long.  With nap time comes Pull-up time, and imagine that, all her business was waiting for me when she woke up!  I had been trying to coerce her to the potty using stickers, which was mildly exciting for her, but at the suggestion of a friend, decided to break out the big prizes after lunch.  You see this half of an Oreo?  You sit on that potty in front of hours of the television show of your choice and you can have this half of an Oreo.  You want the other half?  Pee then, goddamnit.  She never did get that other half.

After dinner though, we were sitting in the living room doing family-sitting-in-the-living-room stuff, and Violet's cheeks let out a magical little toot right in front of my face.  Lovely.  I casually suggested she go fart on the potty, 100% expecting a "Nnnnooooo" and a grump face.  She went into the bathroom and plopped herself down on that seat and I went about my business because I was sooo over her teasing me with the potty "attempts".  Then I look over at Joe's face (who is standing outside the bathroom door) and to see the delight on his face you would have thought he just saw a pair of beer-filled boobs.  "She's actually going!  Oh my god, she's peeing!  Did you hear her?  She just said something about water coming out of her hooha!!"  No shit?!  No shit!  I was so proud of that single pee that I almost wanted to cry.  I probably would have cried if Joe wouldn't have made fun of me.  Instead we celebrated with ice cream and dancing and high fives all around.

Day 5:  Today, Friday, we woke up and I removed her 6 pound Pull-up and put a fresh pair of purple undies with rainbow waistband.  NO ACCIDENTS!  But only because she held it until nap time and let loose in her Pull-up.  After nap, again, NO ACCIDENTS!  But not a single drop in the potty either.  I just put her to bed half an hour ago in her Pull-up and can only assume she's swimming in it now.

I'm not sure where the kid gets her stubbornness from, but I sure as hell will never admit she gets it from me.

Bathrooms are for face-makin, not pee-peein.  Duh.

Roll Model: Future Flying Squirrel

When I watched that video, my first reaction was to shit my pants.  My second reaction was "I COULD DO THAT!"  And I won't even need the wing suit!

I'm officially lighter than I've been in at least 3 years and am now wearing pants that I've had packed away in my "motivation box" along with some hope.  It's kind of awesome rediscovering a new wardrobe that I don't even have to pay for - though I do look forward to these clothes being too big for the first time ever so I can go buy some hoochie mama clothes!  Not really.  Well maybe.  Seriously, no.

The only crappy part of losing weight, aside from having to show restraint around a pan full of brownies, is all this skin I've been stretching for the last 26 years.  I haven't lost enough yet that I look like Star Jones, but I plan on it.  I frequently describe my stomach as a mudflap after what the girls did to it, so I have no reason to expect the rest of my skin to magically shrink.  My only hope is that the shit will get a friction infection so I can convince my insurance to cut it off for me for free.  (Yeah, I actually just wished an infection upon myself.  Such is the life of a poor person.)

So anyway, 50-60 pounds from now, I'll be spreading my arm skin and tying my mudflap down to my shoelaces and jumping off cliffs along this guy.  If that's not motivation to stay in the game I don't know what is!

Weight Watchers helped me lose 100 pounds, and now I can FLYYYYY!