Monday, June 4, 2012

The Age Progression of White People

I went to my (black) friend's wedding a while ago and evidence of the saying "Black don't crack" has never been more apparent to me.  Where can I get me some melanin so I can look 30 until I'm 60?!

A few days later another (white) friend was discussing dying her hair because she has gray emerging and can't imagine looking older than her husband, and it prompted me to share my very scientific observation of the White Lady Curse.  Sister, us white ladies do crack, and unfortunately it happens over a long period of time and long before it happens to our men.

White ladies in their 20s: shiny, firm, rosey.  Hair is healthy and styled daily.  No grays, no wrinkles, no sag - life is good!  

Things are similar with the male counterparts.

Some time in her 30s, the white lady starts to show signs of aging.  Blame the babies if you want, but even if your uterus remains virgin to another body, it's bound to happen somewhere in this decade.  Single gray hairs and tiny lines on their faces send them to the store for the latest whale-pee-foreskin-flower-oil cocktail cream to massage into the skin in an attempt to reverse these lines.  These efforts are futile unless you're willing to drop $40 on one ounce of miracle cream that you'll have to keep using forever.  Or some Botox every six months.  Or surgery every decade.

While White Lady is fighting to keep her face fresh, her man has learned how to brush his hair, and maybe even get it cut.

Welcome to the 40s, the beginning of the White Lady Curse - the decade-or-two-long duration where women just look older than men of the same age.  Lots of gray strands, some more wrinkles, a little skin sagging, and living in someone else's body entirely now.

Meanwhile, the men have sprouted their first grays and may or may not be wrinkling.  Most likely their worst afflictions are a permanent year-round tan and a comely beer belly.

S-s-s-salt and peppa's here!  In her 50s, White Woman's hair has reached a balance of color and white, and our wrinkles are, erm, noticeable.  The pinnacle of the WLC, it's all downhill from here (in a good way!... you'll see).

But don't worry!  Men get to sport the silver fox look in their 50s, and they definitely have three whole wrinkles by now!

Then it's time to retire to the Bingo hall and BAM!, the men are old and crotchety.

It's possible I exaggerated the man a little... but my point is they tend to just wake up old and bald and gray and grumpy one day, while us ladies have the luxury of a gradual age progression.  Embrace those grays!  Rock those wrinkles!  And don't look at magazines - those bitches are all rich and have miracle drugs and make-up artists.  And don't look at black women - they don't crack, until maybe 15 years before they kick the bucket.  And especially don't look at Asians, because I swear to jeebus they boil their rice in water from the Fountain of Youth until they're about 90 when they suddenly dehydrate and shrink like a raisin.

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