Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Kid craft: Fridgerpillars!

I have really resisted making this a mommy blog because I'll be damned if these things take over my entire life.

The fact is though, I spend approximately every single waking second with these children, feeding, clothing, wiping their various orifices, building block towers, applying popsicle lipstick, teaching them, learning from them, separating them in a Little People Plane fight, and sometimes yelling and then feeling guilty.  And on the rare occasion I'm not with them, I'm hoping they're ok and that Joe has remembered to feed them.  I'm a mombie, whether I like it or not.

They're pretty cool kids anyway, so to deny myself and my blog of them anymore (not that I was really doing that great a job) is just plain bogusness.  And maybe I'll start updating more often again this way.  So with that!  Begin the Lamefest!


Today I came up with my own little craft that I'm pretty proud of!  It's not really that great or clever or anything and probably not even an original idea, but I didn't follow any How-To for it, so uh, booyah.

We have an abundance of sticky button magnets and fridge art and a shortage on cute fridge magnets.  I went through all of our craft drawer today and the end result was this guy...

I'm not going to insult your intelligence and give you a step by step instruction list on how to do this, because I'm not a dick like that.  I will, however, give you a pre-written shopping list in case you don't have all these things on hand already.  I'm a Dollar Store whore, so you can make like 25 caterpillars for maybe $6 if you're so inclined.  Or you could make some fancier ones with craft store supplies for not much more money (but I'm poor folks).

You need:
  • Construction paper
  • Googly eyes
  • Fuzzy balls
  • Craft sticks
  • Self-adhesive button magnets
  • Pipe cleaners
  • Glue
  • Marker
  • Scissors
For those of you with a photographic memory.

I made the faces first.  I cut the circles out and let Violet draw all over them, and I drew a few too obviously. The cool thing about it is even if your kid's no genius like mine and doesn't know how to draw a smiley face yet, the second you plop those googly eyes on there suddenly it's an identifiable face.  You'll be looking at the squiggles like "OMG, is that a nose she drew right there?!  With a booger in it even!  Such attention to detail!  And look at the smile she drew - that caterpillar must be smiling because she loves her mommy!  Hey check out that mole!"  Once you guys are done scribbling and drawing faces, put two little dots on there and let your kiddo place the googly eyes on.  I don't know why, but it just about made Violet's life getting to put the eyeballs on herself.  Then apply antennaes and sit aside to dry while you work on the body!

What's funny about this picture is you can't see Violet doesn't have any pants on.

I threw some craft sticks down and shot some glue in their general direction and told Violet to apply fuzzy balls.  I was actually impressed that she managed to put them all on the sticks in an actual caterpillar-body-fashion, but I'm sure they would have looked just as adorable with holes too.  Note: two mistakes I made -  It's easier to stick the magnets on the back BEFORE the front is covered in fuzzy balls, and leave a little space of unglued craft stick to apply the head.  I managed to fit my heads on there, but I expect them to be decapitated by the end of the week.  Also note:  If you're feeling ambitious, go ahead and add some legs.  I would have done so with my extra pipe cleaners, but caterpillars have like 40 legs, and I wanted my fridgerpillars to be life-like (like-like amputee caterpillars).  And I'm lazy.  An easy solution might be to use a strip of construction paper along the bottom and cut every quarter inch or so, to create "fringe" legs?  Mine are done and I'm not editing this anymore, so if any of you over achievers go for it, post a picture (and thanks for showing me up, a-hole).

Then, parade those little fridgerpillar fellas up on your fridge surrounding only the prettiest artwork.  You're welcome!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

I'm getting Joe some of those TV Ears for Christmas

Holy craaaaaaap I haven't updated in forever!  I just haven't had anything to talk about because I've had a really lazy week or two and haven't actually interacted with people in a while.

And speaking of crap, I have a little TMI-licious story to share.

Joe:  Home from work, walks in front door, as I'm walking away from front door.

k8:  Hi, I have to poop and then take a shower, do you need me for anything first?

Joe:  What?  No?

k8:  In bathroom with door closed and shower running.  Pooping.

Joe:  Opening door slowly.  Oh, I do need to pee before you get a sho...


Joe:  Ewwwww I heard it!  What the fuck!  Why didn't you tell me you were pooping!  *dies a little*

This is what I live with.  The man doesn't hear a single word I say to him ever, and then when he has to deal with the repercussions of not hearing listening to me, he freaks out.  HOW do you not hear me say loud and clear that I am about to do my business, but you have the perfect timing to hear a quiet little poop sound over screaming children and a running shower?  Because.  Men are retarded.  Another one of my favorites is when I will ask him to hand me something that is directly next to him ("Can you hand me the diaper by your foot?") then he walks away from it looking for anything I might need because he only heard "hand me".  Or when I say his name 4 times trying to get his attention, then I finally YELL his name, and he's all "Why are you yelling at me?!  You can't just start talking to me when I'm not paying attention!!"

So I wanna get him some of those TV Ears for old people and keep it on Volume 11 so he won't have a choice but to hear what I say to him!  Or maybe they could come up with an anti-selective-hearing For Married Men edition that absorbs and interprets every word I say that he misses (all of them) and shoots instructive electrode shocks into his brain through his ears so he can't say he didn't hear me when I told him we're going to my mother's for dinner this weekend.  Yup.  Get working on that TV Ears!

Friday, September 9, 2011

Obligatory Potty Training Post

Hey Nature!  High five for making this week-long rainfall coincide with the depletion of Violet's diaper supply!!

We've been stuck inside all week so I decided to take advantage and take a stab at potty training.  Errr, my intention wasn't really to potty train, because that sounds entirely too ambitious.  But I figured I would put her in undies and pretend for a week that I don't mind cleaning up puddles of piss on the floor, and if at some point in this week she happened to take a preference to putting that pee in the potty then I'd push it, but if not then I'd just "squeeze" her little tush in Leela's diapers (I say "squeeze" because Leela has the biggest ass of any 7 month old ever and Violet fits in her size 4 Huggies better than Leela).

Day 1:  Monday was Labor Day, so I took the day off from the non-essential momming.  Basically I changed diapers and fed them and then let them "work out their problems on their own" in the morning, then in the afternoon we headed to my mom's for an indoor cookout where I proceeded to stuff myself full of egg salad and hamburgers and throw my children to my mother.  So pee cleaning was not even on the radar for this day.  Off to a good start!

Day 2:  Tuesday, Violet woke up and I removed her 8 pound diaper and just never put one back on.  By nap time we had one puddle in the kitchen chair, one river following the length of the hallway, and one pair of Foofa undies holding up a shit-tail.  After nap I delayed her Pull-up removal a little while, then she freeballed it with no accidents until her bedtime Pull-up which I'm sure was soaked before that cute little booty even touched the sheets.

Day 3:  Re-read Day 2, but add a defeated Me sitting on the sidelines, ready to call the whole thing off.

Day 4:  Thursday, Violet wised up to the fact that she doesn't like wet undies or legs, and she DEFINITELY doesn't like getting a bath every time she wets herself (she may or may not be bath-averse and I may or may not have been using that in hopes of scaring her dry), and decides to hold it ALL. Morning. Long.  With nap time comes Pull-up time, and imagine that, all her business was waiting for me when she woke up!  I had been trying to coerce her to the potty using stickers, which was mildly exciting for her, but at the suggestion of a friend, decided to break out the big prizes after lunch.  You see this half of an Oreo?  You sit on that potty in front of hours of the television show of your choice and you can have this half of an Oreo.  You want the other half?  Pee then, goddamnit.  She never did get that other half.

After dinner though, we were sitting in the living room doing family-sitting-in-the-living-room stuff, and Violet's cheeks let out a magical little toot right in front of my face.  Lovely.  I casually suggested she go fart on the potty, 100% expecting a "Nnnnooooo" and a grump face.  She went into the bathroom and plopped herself down on that seat and I went about my business because I was sooo over her teasing me with the potty "attempts".  Then I look over at Joe's face (who is standing outside the bathroom door) and to see the delight on his face you would have thought he just saw a pair of beer-filled boobs.  "She's actually going!  Oh my god, she's peeing!  Did you hear her?  She just said something about water coming out of her hooha!!"  No shit?!  No shit!  I was so proud of that single pee that I almost wanted to cry.  I probably would have cried if Joe wouldn't have made fun of me.  Instead we celebrated with ice cream and dancing and high fives all around.

Day 5:  Today, Friday, we woke up and I removed her 6 pound Pull-up and put a fresh pair of purple undies with rainbow waistband.  NO ACCIDENTS!  But only because she held it until nap time and let loose in her Pull-up.  After nap, again, NO ACCIDENTS!  But not a single drop in the potty either.  I just put her to bed half an hour ago in her Pull-up and can only assume she's swimming in it now.

I'm not sure where the kid gets her stubbornness from, but I sure as hell will never admit she gets it from me.

Bathrooms are for face-makin, not pee-peein.  Duh.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Roll Model: Future Flying Squirrel

When I watched that video, my first reaction was to shit my pants.  My second reaction was "I COULD DO THAT!"  And I won't even need the wing suit!

I'm officially lighter than I've been in at least 3 years and am now wearing pants that I've had packed away in my "motivation box" along with some hope.  It's kind of awesome rediscovering a new wardrobe that I don't even have to pay for - though I do look forward to these clothes being too big for the first time ever so I can go buy some hoochie mama clothes!  Not really.  Well maybe.  Seriously, no.

The only crappy part of losing weight, aside from having to show restraint around a pan full of brownies, is all this skin I've been stretching for the last 26 years.  I haven't lost enough yet that I look like Star Jones, but I plan on it.  I frequently describe my stomach as a mudflap after what the girls did to it, so I have no reason to expect the rest of my skin to magically shrink.  My only hope is that the shit will get a friction infection so I can convince my insurance to cut it off for me for free.  (Yeah, I actually just wished an infection upon myself.  Such is the life of a poor person.)

So anyway, 50-60 pounds from now, I'll be spreading my arm skin and tying my mudflap down to my shoelaces and jumping off cliffs along this guy.  If that's not motivation to stay in the game I don't know what is!

Weight Watchers helped me lose 100 pounds, and now I can FLYYYYY!

Monday, September 5, 2011

Things That Need to Be Invented

Self Cleaning Everything

An implantable chip that gives husbands the ability to put their socks in the proper dirty sock area

Dissolving window walls to all maxiumum air flow into the house on breezy days

Insta-grow walls to replace the dissolved walls when it starts to rain

Pre-potty trained newborns

Hovering houses (no more flooded basements!)

A suit of wheels  Already exists!!

A second right arm attachment for painting my first right hand's fingernails, because I can't do shit with my left hand

Free blowjob machines

Anti-gravity pills so I can fly

Sheet suspenders so that they stay tight on the mattress  Already exists!!

Adult onesies (because I am tired of seeing your asscrack, Joe)  Already exists!! (though not practical to own many unless you have a killer disposable income)

A child-safe, safe-for-daily-use sleeping gas chamber

This little lovely was taken sraight from the Adult Onesie website...

P.S.  I can't believe how many of these things already exist.  And for those that don't, I would appreciate that the people stealing my ideas actually steal these ones.
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