Saturday, April 28, 2012

I'm just going to keep having babies forever.

I'm currently impregnable, yet the thought consuming my mind most is birth control.  What's up with that?  Oh, it's because I'm tired of being pregnant all the time god damnit.

Pills are a no go.  I did a happy dance tonight because I remembered to take my prenatal three whole nights in a row!  Of course, the time varied by hours each time though.  I'm just no good with pills, and seeing as I am apparently very fertile and get pregnant every time Joe sneezes, I'd likely end up a birth control pill statistic.

NuvaRing is an option.  I have a sensitive girly part environment though, and I've heard the Ring can cause things to go nuts and start congealing down there.  I'm also not great on hormones, and the timing thing may be an issue, though I'm sure the weekly ring is more tolerant of my forgetfulness.  I find this option the least scary right now, so it may be worth a try for a few cycles.

The Patch.  Its #1 function is pretty much to cause blood clots and strokes or something right?  I'll pass.

The Depo Shot.  Convenient and effective, but I've heard it makes people fat, and well, that's already an issue for me.  And actually when I think about it, it's not really that convenient to have to go to the doctor with three children every three months.  Shot: officially off the table.

Hormonal IUD (Mirena) seems appealing.  I like the idea of being covered for 5 years and not having to feel bad about forgetting to insert something into some orifice.  I'm creeped out by the hormones though.  How the hell do they get hormones into a little stick of plastic?  Also, I'm probably a freak for this, but I do not like the idea of not getting my period at all.  I like things to keep their natural ebb and flow throughout my body.

And then there's the copper IUD (Paragard) that has no hormones, so that's extremely appealing.  And the fact that it's effective for up to 10 years makes me want to just stick a roll of pennies up myself right this second.  But then there's the possible side effect of a heavier period.  And when I'm thinking about it, it's really weird to use my uterus as a storage unit for metal.  And the concept of insertion.  And will I have a constant paranoid urge to violate myself to make sure my strings are in place?  Probably.  IUDs are just really weird to me, but the long-lasting convenience just may be worth it.

Barrier methods (sponge, diaphragm, condoms) are probably the perfect option for me because of their lack of hormones and lack of coziness all up in my uterus, but I'm just so lazy.  I'm tired from all this baby-making and don't feel like performing my wifely duties half the time as it is, and the thought of one more chore kills the mood in advance.  Plus, tell me I'm not the only one who hates how their crotch smells after a condom's been for a visit.

Lastly, POP.  Pull Out and Pray.  Honestly, this is my favorite method and it really has worked every time we've used it.  But the one time Joe didn't listen to my instructions, we ended up with little Harvey.  I just don't know that I want to risk leaving things up to Joe's feral manhood again.  I'm really ready to be through this phase of youngins and on with my life of cool family vacations they'll all remember.  And not having to carry anydamnone, in or outside of my body.  POP: out.

Basically what it comes down to is am I more concerned with being lazy and not having to remember to use something daily or weekly or as needed, or do I want to keep my body as free from foreign substance as possible?  It's a toughy because both of those things are really important to me.

In conclusion, typing my thoughts out has done absolutely nothing to help me make a decision.  I'm probably going to be writing this same damn entry 2 years from now when I'm knocked up with #4 like clockwork.

I had to add this bonus from my Facebook discussion on birth control, because I make myself laugh.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Irrational fears of mine

I want to get myself back in the habit of multi-weekly typings but I have nothing of value to say, so here's a list that doesn't require any brainwaves to type up:

Someone breaking into my house while I'm pooping

Someone pulling up to me at a stop light and shooting me in the head

Driving next to a big rig and being smooshed under a

Dangling half of my arm over the bed when I'm laying down and someone or something randomly falling and breaking my arm back the wrong direction at the elbow

Being pantsed in public while wearing period underwear

A bus driver swerving to avoid a squirrel and subsequently rolling his bus through my living room

The steel collapsing at Costco while I'm bent over underneath it and beheading or bebodying me

Randomly tripping anywhere and breaking my lower leg bone so the sole of my foot is facing up

Bugs crawling into my crotch.  Forever my greatest fear.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Year-round Elf on the Shelf-type fun for twisted parents

Alternatively titled: How to Fuck With Your Husband 101

Step 1:  Purchase life-size Barbie.

Step 2:  Give it to a 3 year old to adore.

Step 3:  Almost shit your pants when, multiple times a day, you find the doll laying face down like a dead little person in random places throughout your house.

Step 4:  Realize you could make your husband also almost shit his pants!

Step 5:  After Husband goes to bed, strategically position life-size Barbie where he will least suspect her.  Also, put a big ass knife in her hand.  Barbie's out for blood.  Or at least a little pee in his pants.

Step 6:  Rinse and repeat.

(Sorry Joe, but this is going to be a running gag.)

Monday, April 2, 2012

Grab your guns Whitey, we got some hoodlums

This hoodlum was found prepping her "Skittles" for a break-in near the community rec center.  The bulge in her crotch region was later identified as a loaded diaper gun.

This photo was taken showing the hoodlum attempting to conceal her "Skittles".  It is suspected her other hand was reaching for her "can of Ice-T".

A hoodie pulled down from the head is typically a signal for Temporary Hoodlum Inactivity, but do not be fooled.  Note the menacing look on the hoodlum's face.

Sometimes hoodlums will swallow their "Skittles" quickly to get rid of evidence.  Note: Duck hoods are to be taken as seriously and suspiciously as sweater hoods.

Hoodlum subject is clearly on drugs.  Also note: Bunny hoods are no joke.

Here we have a gang of hoodlums.  The sunglasses and nose piercings indicate they are especially lethal.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Pregnancy 1 vs. 3

I obsessed over my pregnancy with Violet so much that I felt her fingernails growing.  At any given second I could tell you exactly how far along I was, what symptoms were normal for my current gestational week, what organs were forming inside fetus Violet, and what super exciting milestone she was hitting (Hiccups, you say?  Wow, what a prodigy!).

Fetus-making is old news now.  It's still the most interesting thing going on with me though, so I made some boring comics to illustrate exactly how I feel about Pregnancy #1 vs. Pregnancy #3.

On gestational age:

This actually happened last week.  My mother-in-law asked how far along I was and I had no clue.  It doesn't help that my midwife never gave me a straight answer for an EDD, but I've been too lazy to sign up for those daily/weekly pregnancy update emails, so I have to make a conscious effort to find out how far along I am.  And effort is not my thing.

On baby books:

I read the shit out of some books with Violet.  This time I couldn't even tell you where or if I have one located.  I do check out The Bump occasionally to see what produce I'm gestating (currently a sweet potato or a mango?) but otherwise I haven't been concerned with whether it has arms or knows how to burp yet.

On preparing for baby:

I was apparently going through chemotherapy and lost all my hair for this comic.  I'm too lazy to change it though.  Bite me.

On birth:

I could not come to terms with the fact that Violet was to exit my body the same way she entered.  I spent the whole 10 months cringing and clenching my legs closed at the thought.  This time, if anything I'm looking forward to it.  Let's get this shit done with!
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