Saturday, April 28, 2012

I'm just going to keep having babies forever.

I'm currently impregnable, yet the thought consuming my mind most is birth control.  What's up with that?  Oh, it's because I'm tired of being pregnant all the time god damnit.

Pills are a no go.  I did a happy dance tonight because I remembered to take my prenatal three whole nights in a row!  Of course, the time varied by hours each time though.  I'm just no good with pills, and seeing as I am apparently very fertile and get pregnant every time Joe sneezes, I'd likely end up a birth control pill statistic.

NuvaRing is an option.  I have a sensitive girly part environment though, and I've heard the Ring can cause things to go nuts and start congealing down there.  I'm also not great on hormones, and the timing thing may be an issue, though I'm sure the weekly ring is more tolerant of my forgetfulness.  I find this option the least scary right now, so it may be worth a try for a few cycles.

The Patch.  Its #1 function is pretty much to cause blood clots and strokes or something right?  I'll pass.

The Depo Shot.  Convenient and effective, but I've heard it makes people fat, and well, that's already an issue for me.  And actually when I think about it, it's not really that convenient to have to go to the doctor with three children every three months.  Shot: officially off the table.

Hormonal IUD (Mirena) seems appealing.  I like the idea of being covered for 5 years and not having to feel bad about forgetting to insert something into some orifice.  I'm creeped out by the hormones though.  How the hell do they get hormones into a little stick of plastic?  Also, I'm probably a freak for this, but I do not like the idea of not getting my period at all.  I like things to keep their natural ebb and flow throughout my body.

And then there's the copper IUD (Paragard) that has no hormones, so that's extremely appealing.  And the fact that it's effective for up to 10 years makes me want to just stick a roll of pennies up myself right this second.  But then there's the possible side effect of a heavier period.  And when I'm thinking about it, it's really weird to use my uterus as a storage unit for metal.  And the concept of insertion.  And will I have a constant paranoid urge to violate myself to make sure my strings are in place?  Probably.  IUDs are just really weird to me, but the long-lasting convenience just may be worth it.

Barrier methods (sponge, diaphragm, condoms) are probably the perfect option for me because of their lack of hormones and lack of coziness all up in my uterus, but I'm just so lazy.  I'm tired from all this baby-making and don't feel like performing my wifely duties half the time as it is, and the thought of one more chore kills the mood in advance.  Plus, tell me I'm not the only one who hates how their crotch smells after a condom's been for a visit.

Lastly, POP.  Pull Out and Pray.  Honestly, this is my favorite method and it really has worked every time we've used it.  But the one time Joe didn't listen to my instructions, we ended up with little Harvey.  I just don't know that I want to risk leaving things up to Joe's feral manhood again.  I'm really ready to be through this phase of youngins and on with my life of cool family vacations they'll all remember.  And not having to carry anydamnone, in or outside of my body.  POP: out.

Basically what it comes down to is am I more concerned with being lazy and not having to remember to use something daily or weekly or as needed, or do I want to keep my body as free from foreign substance as possible?  It's a toughy because both of those things are really important to me.

In conclusion, typing my thoughts out has done absolutely nothing to help me make a decision.  I'm probably going to be writing this same damn entry 2 years from now when I'm knocked up with #4 like clockwork.

I had to add this bonus from my Facebook discussion on birth control, because I make myself laugh.

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