Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Surrender your uterus

It's scary to think of how much feces, urine, boogers, slobber and any other imaginable bodily fluid I've accidentally ingested in Violet's lifetime.  I'm a diligent hand washer, but Violet not so much.  She's the type to pee and wipe then come out and dunk her whole hand in my cereal before I get the chance to remind her to wash her hands.  Or scratch her buttcrack then tickle my face (true story).

Young children are offensive to all five senses.  They constantly have that gross overly-sweet fruity sugar smell.  On a volume scale of 1-10 they operate exclusively on levels 6-11.  It's painful to watch them try to sit still anywhere because you just want to yell "STOP FUCKING WAVING YOUR ARMS ARBITRARILY OR I'LL BREAK THEM" but you can't because you'll get investigated (probably rightfully so anyway).  Their hands are always either sticky, drooly, gooey or gritty.  And if god forbid a finger makes it into your mouth, you're going to taste something traumatizing.

And I know it's not my children only dammit.  Your kids are just as disgusting and you don't have to admit it out loud, but we all know they are.

That said, why do I keep spitting these things out?  I never liked babies when I was younger.  I never saw the appeal of just looking at something laying there or changing diapers or listening to that thing wailing for something to suck on.  Little kids were okay on the playground where I expected to get dirty anyway, but any other place and you could count me out from interacting with those things.

Somehow Violet managed to reset that attitude for me though.  She made me really appreciated taking care of a tiny, helpless human no matter how many times she pooped on the floor or if she asked "Do we have bread?" thirty times in a row.

Because you know I love lists so much, here's the top 5 reasons to go against any logical thought in your brain and make (or adopt!) babies tonight!

1. Vanity.  You know what's better than Me?  Lots of Me's!  Having children is the ultimate practice in narcissism.  You create these little people and everyone starts gooing and gahing over how damn good looking they are and how they look just like you, and all you can say "Thanks!" but what you're thinking is "You're right, I am pretty sexy."  And not only do you have your little clones walking around looking like your sexy self, but they're making everyone laugh with that sense of humor you gave them and they're amazing everyone with their badass drum beats they inherited from you.

2. Reliving your childhood.  At work the other day I was saying something like, "I need to buy that Creepy Crawlers oven... for Violet."  Violet doesn't really give a damn about creepy crawlers, but I did!  And I want to again!  I'm forever doing or buying things just because I loved them as a kid, like "rescuing" Violet from certain doom when she gets "stuck" at the top of the tube play place, or riding a model train because "Violet" is into trains, or demonstrating how to properly Sit'n'Spin.

3. Skipping and other previously socially unacceptable things.  One could argue you could still do all those fun things to relive your childhood even without kids, but one could also expect double takes from sane adults and occasionally a citation.  But if you've got a kid with you, you can slide that slide and swing that swing, and talk to yourself in public, and act way more goofy than any respectable adult should.  It's sad really, but that's how it is.

If only he was straddling a child, this wouldn't be so weird.  Ok, maybe kids don't make everything socially acceptable.

4. The chance to shove it in your parents' faces.  My brother always tells the story about how my dad pushed him down an escalator when he was a kid, and to my knowledge my brother never pushed any of his kids down an escalator.  Yet.  When you have kids of your own, you think about all those traumatizing things your parents did to you as a kid, and you swear you'll never do them to your kids, and then when you don't you get to brag about how you're so much better at parenting than your parents and you don't know how you survived your childhood.  Meanwhile, you're so busy over-compensating for the things your parents screwed up that you end up screwing your own kids over in a completely different way, but that's beside the point.

5. Grow a non-dickhead.  Or hell, grow a dickhead if you want!  But hopefully not.  The absolute best part about child rearing is that you get a tiny part in shaping the world of tomorrow.  So not only can you fix what your parents screwed up, but you can attempt to fix the things the rest of society has screwed up.  Bullying is a big issue right now - hate it?  Teach your kids that.  Racism - hate it?  Teach your kids.  Sexism - hate it?  Teach your kids.  Standing up for what's right - love it?  Treating everyone with love and respect - having an open mind - teenage mutant ninja turtles - love them?  Teach your kids!  The best you can.  It's an important job, and a fun one!

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