Tuesday, July 10, 2012

How to Stay Excited About Giving Birth! aka Push Presents the Peasant Way.

Joe and I are not the type of people to make things into Hallmark occasions.  In fact, our three year anniversary was this past Sunday and what did we do?  Well first, we didn't realize it was our anniversary.  Joe went out to pick up a Craigslist find and half an hour after he left, he called me and said, "Oh, happy anniversary by the way."  Oh yeah!  Happy anniversary to you too!  Then we spent a romantic lunch out with the girls and my mother at Famous Dave's.  Apparently the #1 ingredient in their corn muffins is rufies, because we came home and the entire family passed out for 3 hours.  Upon awaking, we ate our leftovers and then all passed out again.  That's called keeping the Sabbath my friends!  And that's my kind of anniversary.

So, us being casual celebraters, I was pretty amused when I heard about "push presents," a gift given by Dad to the mother to somehow make up for the fact that she just pushed a human out of her hooha.  You're getting to not be pregnant anymore, I thought, what better gift is there?  I've spent the past three years convinced push presents were something pretentious white people do because they have a disposable income and are entitled to gifts for every occasion.  But this pregnancy, I have come to realize how us po' folk can take advantage of this phenomenon.

About halfway through your pregnancy when you're not yakking at the thought of food anymore and have begun giving into the cravings, think of what food you want more than anything.  Now deprive yourself of it.  For me, it's donuts from Fractured Prune.  To be honest, I rarely eat them - like two or three times a year maybe.  They're fucking delicious and every time I eat one I think to myself why I don't do this more often, but they're just not something I think about constantly.  Until they became the forbidden.

Now, I cannot wait to push out this baby so I can have a dozen of those babies!  I've spent the past two months thinking up all the glaze and toppings combos I'm going to get, which ones I'm going to eat first, which ones I'll share half of with Violet and Leela.  I've driven by the storefront and daydreamed about waking up at 2am to nurse the baby and finishing off the Almond Joy donut I had started when he nursed for 45 minutes an hour earlier.  Every time I freak myself out remembering how the transition contractions felt like I was imploding, I remember I get to drown myself in sugary glazey toppingy caloriey fried pastry mouthgasms afterwards.  Oh, and I'll get a baby to cuddle!  But more importantly, donuts.

A week post-partum, I may not have anything but some baby and some literal sugar tits to show for my push present, but damnit, I will be one happy woman and I will only be out $15.  Take that and shove it up your custom birthstone earring and matching necklace set.

Flavors from left to right: 1 hour post-partum, 3 hours post-partum, 5 hours post-partum...

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