Friday, July 13, 2012

Pregnancy dreams

When I woke up this morning there were a bunch of random little kids in my house and I looked outside and apparently school was only a half day because it was a "Hurricane Day", like a snow day but with a hurricane...

So anyway I'm yelling at these kids and then the parents come in and I'm like "WTF GET OUT OF MY HOUSE" and I started beating them up.  Then while I'm on top of the lady about to break her back I have a moment of clarity and say "Wait, am I mentally ill?  I don't have any kids do I? Is this my house?" and she told me no to all of the above but I didn't believe her.

So I jumped out of the 3rd story window and followed this homeless looking woman down the fire escape stairs (my house is only 2 stories in the suburbs, mind you) and on the way down I realize I'm Mark Wahlberg.  I follow the woman into the basement apartment and it's some super snazzy futuristic bachelor pad with futuristic coffee makers and Slurpee machines and giant fish tanks everywhere - something straight out of The Real World.  There's these 3 guys telling me I'm not doing my job protecting some mentally ill woman who thinks she has children but actually doesn't.  Great.  Patton Oswalt was one of the guys - I'm not sure of his significance but I like him so it's cool I got to meet him.

So I find out the crazy lady throws these "swinging" parties for hip urban parents, where they "swing" their children, like switch children for a month at a time because they get bored of whatever age range their kids are in, or whatever.  And to get to these parties, the families have to somehow enter through the washing machine.  I discovered this when I saw a family of owls fly in through the window into the washing machine and followed them.  This had never occurred to anyone else as weird before... Uh huh.

So Patton and the other guys are all like "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU FIGURED IT OUT FINALLY, YOU'RE SO AWESOME!  HERE, I HAVE THIS RANDOM PILL THAT WILL TURN YOU INTO AN OWL SO YOU CAN ENTER THE PARTY AND SAVE ALL THE CHILDREN!"  So I turn into a vulture instead, but they said it's all cool even though I was nervous I'd be found out, and I went into the washing machine.  

There's all these parents shackled to the walls and the crazy woman (me!, but not me because I'm still Mark Wahlberg vulture) is dressed up like the Sun Baby on Teletubbies, sitting on a stump in the center of a menthol field (which looked suspiciously like marijuana) and she's reading The Stinky Cheese Man to all the kids.  Except all the kids are Violet and Leela clones, like hundreds of them.  I realize Violet and Leela are mine and I need to get them back, but I can't figure out which ones are the real them and I'm calling out their names over and over.

And that's when Violet woke me up from the dream with a fun and relevant surprise that I will get around to blogging later today.

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