Sunday, August 14, 2011

Delusions of grandeur

I may or may not be about to reveal exactly how insane I am.

Does anyone else picture themselves in life or death situations and out of nowhere all of a sudden you're a super human body builder who defies the law of gravity AND has a snappy one liner to boot?  Today, I'm at work, driving my forklift around (WHY they let me operate a 5 ton vehicle inside a building I'll never know), thinking about how I might perform under extremely dangerous circumstances, when BAM I crash my forklift.  A 30 foot stack of pallets - OBLITERATED.  So as it's falling I'm like "OH SHIT!" and drive away as fast as I can to avoid certain doom but my wheel was turned all the way to the side, so I FLIP MY FORKLIFT.  As it's falling I looked back and saw a co-worker was in my path, so somehow I managed to reach out and basically throw him out of the way, get my arms back into the forklift standing area and contort my body so that none of my limbs would be crushed.  I climbed out really quick because I was convinced this thing was about to blow Michael Bay style (even though it's not even a gas powered machine), and assumed the fetal position for a second while all this shit was falling all around me.  Finally everything is leveled and the crashing sounds stop and I raise my head a little to hear a tiny newborn scream.  Why is there a newborn at Costco at 4am?  It doesn't matter why, but I need to find it in case something fell on it!  I SEE IT! It's pinned under a 500 pound pallet of Orange Crush soda, but still very much alive thanks to a lot of now-crushed boxes of juice... but they're about to give all the way.  SHIT!  So I squat down and Hulk out that ENTIRE PALLET OF SODA, throwing it 10 feet away at a wall.  I pick the baby up and it's unscathed, just very obviously shaken from all the crashing.  I cuddle it a minute and calm it down, then say "They orange going to crush you this time."  Aaaaand scene.

So obviously the real reason an unattended newborn is at Costco at 4am is because I'm delusional, and this was one of my more grandiose daydreams.  Oh, and I'm also aware that my one-liner wasn't very snappy at all, but I couldn't think of anything better.  In my mind though, it's similar to that feeling you get when Arnold's like "Hasta la vista, BABY" and you're like "OH SNAP!".  BUT ANYWAY, usually these little daydreams I have are a lot more realisitic, like Leela starts choking on something and I manage to Heimlich it out of her even though I wouldn't actually have the first clue of how to do that, or I fight off a rabid dog that has attacked me, or I might swerve to avoid a seagull and drive the van off the bridge but manage to unbuckle and swim Joe and the girls to safety before we drown, or the Earth suddenly opens beneath me and I catch myself by my fingertips and climb out even though I know for a fact that I could not even do a pull up if my life depended on it (because that's totally realistic).  But what I'm trying to get at in a very long-winded way is that I always wonder if I would be able to save myself and my family if we ever were in some real danger, or if I would just be useless.  You hear stories of mothers lifting cars off their children in an adrenaline rush - I wonder if an adrenaline rush could help me in any dire situation like I like to imagine. 

Sooo, am I crazy?  Probably.  Could I whip out some super hero powers and save myself in a life or death situation?  Probably not.  But am I going to start training for Ninja Warrior so that I have the strength, speed and agility, just in case?  Now that I think about it, HELL YES!

You never know when you'll have to scale the Warped Wall to save your child's life from a forest fire.

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