Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Roll Model: My weight loss segment.

Ok, HOW MANY TIMES have I made the same joke that "Roll Model" would make a great name for Tyra's next model competition show featuring plus-sized ladies?  That was the last time, I swear.  From now on though, every time I update my Roll Model segment, you will think about me telling that joke over and over.  And then you'll probably hate me and not read my blog anymore.  Maybe I shouldn't have made it this one last time.

Anyway.  I've lost at least 57 pounds in 6 months.  I'm going to pretend that 30 of that wasn't pregnancy weight because it makes it sound a lot more impressive.  Since it seems like I might actually be on my way to being some variation of "skinny" (a long time from now) for the first time in my life, it's had me thinking about how often I say "That's one of the many advantages of being a fatty".  Clogged arteries and tent-sized shirts aside, there are some things I will miss!

1.  Having something to fall back on.  When I'm feeling awkward in a situation, I throw a fat joke about myself out there.  Suddenly everyone else feels WAY more awkward and I'm the coolest person in the room.  Also, I literally have a big fat something to fall back on.

2.  Warmth.  My thighs are the size of two baby bears and are the softest, warmest, cuddliest mittens in the winter time.

3.  Fat flap pencil case.  See picture.

Hey stud, let me write down my number with this pencil I just found under my babs**.

4.  Super strength.  I lift 200 pounds everytime I stand, that 55 pound box of sugar is nothing (yes, such a thing exists.  I would know).

5.  Live longer.  I wouldn't list this if we weren't apparently on the verge of another great depression.  Months from now when a loaf of bread costs $85 and all you skinnies are like "omg I'm so hungry *keel over*," I'll still have 7 months of fat reserves AND some people to grill up.

6.  Chairs fear me.  And it is always a good thing to be feared.

Clearly being fat is the way to go.  So then why do I still want to lose weight?

Because I love chairs.

**Babs - back abs.

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