Friday, July 29, 2011

I want to write a children's book.

It will be about hygiene issues and the main character will be named Bernie Hole, and his friend Mitch N. Mianus will be curiously cropped from the waist up in all his pages and only ever show one hand.

Seriously though, I want to write a children's book specifically so that I can illustrate it.  Actually, would someone else mind just writing one for me?  And giving me all the credit?  I have no problem doing that, I am white afterall. 

A dude at work told me that since he only ever sees me on a forklift, he imagines I just drive it around everywhere and go about my daily life with this forklift connected to me.  Like I'm cooking breakfast and flipping pancakes with my forks, and wiping my butt with toilet paper on the end of my forks, and I beep as I'm backing down the front yard to put out the trash.  And I plug in my battery at night then me and the forklift cuddle up to Joe in bed.  Ha.  We decided it would be a fun kid's book, about Forklift Fiona.  Maybe it would, but I don't necessarily want to write or illustrate that book.  I think girls doing "boy stuff" would be a good focus though, because people eat that GIRL POWER shit right up.  Honestly, I don't care what it's about, I just need an excuse to use these markers I paid $200 for (I am not even fucking kidding.  This was in my child-free days of course though).

Oh, are shit, asshole and douchenozzle children's-book-appropriate words?  Someone should definitely write this for me, I don't think I'm cut out for this business.

PS  It's funny when the summary on the back of a kid's book is longer than the book itself.

PPS Ok nevermind, I'm gonna write this damn book myself.  I just need someone to give me a subject because that's the part I suck at.  GO!

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