Thursday, July 21, 2011

Teenage mutant ninja honkies

So tonight, me and Joe and Violet are hanging out in our bed and Violet starts talking about this "him" and pointing to a corner in our room.  First she was telling him to dance with her, then she was just saying "him over there, him right there".  Then she told me he was under the bed and I moved from the edge so fast I about exploded my pants off.

So then I'm telling my friend about this creeper hanging out in my bedroom that only Violet can see but doesn't seem to be scared of, and she's all "Jesus in da house! Maybe Jesus is her homeboy too!" haha.  Honestly that doesn't make it any less creepy for me that Jesus is standing there watching me in the room I make babies in, but at least I don't have to worry about him grabbing me by my ankles and swinging me into the plaster walls repeatedly, which is how I always imagine a demon hiding under my bed would finish me off.  Anyway, I was like "What if it IS Jesus and he wakes me up and bitch slaps me in the middle of the night and is like 'I AM real!  The power of Christ compels you, BITCH!'?" because Jesus is black and bad ass in my mind, like Shaft, with a little bit of Wayne Brady.  Then my friend's husband agreed that Jesus was definitely bad ass and definitely not white, because white people are totally lame (he didn't say white people are lame, I did, sorry whiteys).  I bet Jesus actually turned that water into 40s of OE.  And hello, fish fry?

Anyway, so that got me to thinking, with the continents starting out as one big super continent (what was it called? Onomatopoeia?  Palladia?), I bet people lived all close to the equator, and didn't have any clothes or anything unless you wanna count the bag dresses fashioned out of some giant exotic leaf, so they were probably all black, or at least dark skinned right?  I'm sure I can google this to find out, but I'm too lazy, so I'm just gonna go with this theory right now that white people are a glitch in evolution or something.  How did we end up taking over?  Were the roles reversed back in the cave man days - like were black people afraid of white people?  If a white person dropped their wallet on the street did they kick it home to avoid police harassment?  Is rhythm stored in melanin and was living in the mountains really worth giving that up?

Well I went ahead and googled it and apparently it is pretty common knowledge that white folks just showed up like less than 20,000 years ago.  I had never really thought of it before though.  It's kind of crazy to look at my skin and see that I'm mayonnaise white (and thick and jiggly like it too) and then think that my ancestors are Africa black.  Although I guess it's not THAT crazy a thought if you were judging just by my ass.  I wonder if, with the o-zone depleting, if we'll eventually all go back to black?  Then never go back?

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