Friday, July 29, 2011

I just got a great idea for a porn. This is not at all awkward to read.

"Bonerfide Hero: Captain Dick Dodders".  One scene would be these doddering old dudes barely holding themselves up on their walkers, and they're centimetering their way to the register at a donut shop.  There's this long huge line behind them of impatient assholes who don't respect the feeble [slow as fuck] elderly, but they're not about to get arrested for assault of a senior either, so they just stand there huffing and eye-rolling and wishing they had just gone in front of those walkers when there was more space to do so without it being OBVIOUS they were cutting in line. 

So anyway, there's this one guy in the very back, a young guy.  It's a porn don't forget, and he's the villain, so he's wearing some painted on latex villain suit, with his junk hanging out of course, and he has a utility belt full of dildos and whips.  And his name is The Whipper Snapper (get it, because he's the young guy?).  Also, he can manipulate his penis to whip and snap, because it wouldn't make sense if he couldn't do that.

The Whipper Snapper is PISSED because he wants his damn coffee and donut before he begins his day doin bad guy stuff, so he starts pushing through the line.  He knocks down this lady and he BREAKS HER STRIPPER HEEL.  Well, this is the equivalent of breaking her skull, it is NOT cool to break a stripper's heel in whatever fantasy land this story is taking place.  Let's call it Busty Years Retirement Community I guess.  So she's laying there all in distress and calling for help while The Whipper Snapper is all "Mua-ha-ha, how'd you like that hurts donut?" (thank jeebus jokes in pornos don't have to make complete sense) and keeps on storming toward the front of the line and knocking over more people.

Then.  Remember the rickety old doddering dudes who are holding up the line in the first place?  They finally turn around to see all the commotion (because you know they didn't HEAR it) and they're all WTF.  The stomp their walkers on the ground in a synchronized rhythm and it's like a scene out of Power Rangers all of a sudden, and they like form into one giant penis with walker legs and they kick the shit out of The Whipper Snapper.

Then they go pick up the damsel in distress and she's like "Oh, let me make you my bonerfied heroes!" and that's when the actually explicit stuff starts.  But who would still be interested in wacking it to a porno after a killer scene like the one I just described?!  Not me.  The end.

Oh, and a minor detail, but I'm pretty sure that 30 years old in adult movies is the equivalent of 80 in real life, so there wouldn't ACTUALLY be old wrinkly balls in this porn, so don't worry about that.  Hmm, unless I decide to take it in the fetish direction.  Decisions decisions.



I want to apologize for not doing more.  I could have done magic with the fight scene, but I'm too tired.  And turned on.

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