Ok, I didn't invent food at all. But I did invent two meals last week that actually turned out good! No one ever taught me how to cook and usually it's very obvious, so I am so proud of myself for throwing some pantry items into a cohesive plateful of food that I'm going to pass them on. Ok, who am I kidding. These meals are some de-luxe peasant food, and hardly original, but they was yummy.
Chicken Biscuit Slop
I made this on accident because I wanted chicken pot pie but decided last minute I was too lazy to make pie crust or pot pie filling. Also, this recipe is a science and you must use the precise measurements I give you.
What you need:
Butter
Onion
Chicken
Chicken broth (optional maybe, water would probably work)
Carrot
Celery or celery seed
Green beans
Peas
Cream of Potato soup
Biscuit mix
Milk
Salt and pepper in the usual places
A man who likes man food
First, don't preheat your oven because that's a waste of energy. Next, melt a big chunk of butter in a large sauce pan. Toss in half a chopped onion and saute. Dice about a pound of chicken breast and throw it in with the onions when they look translucent. Pour in enough broth to cover the chicken cubes and boil. While that's boiling, chop some carrots (2 or 3 whole carrots or a handful and a half baby carrots. Precise measurements, remember?) and celery (I almost never have celery and I think celery seed works just as well if you just throw some in there until it smells good). Put chopped carrots and celery and a handful each of frozen green beans and peas into pot and add more broth to cover everything. Season. Boil everything long enough to get caught up on facebook, then come back and see if everything is getting soft. Remove from heat and stir in one can of Cream of Potato soup. The slop should be the consistency of a thick soup. Once mixed thoroughly, pour the slop into the nearest oven safe cooking vessel. Prepare biscuit mix according to my box, which was 2 cups mix stirred with 2/3 cups milk. Drop biscuits in a single layer on top of slop. Bake according to biscuit mix instructions, or until you can smell the food from your living room while you're folding towels. Makes 4 man servings/6-8 woman servings.
Joe really really liked this. I think because it was full of starchy goodness and the vegetables were meat-and-starch-flavored by time it was done. I thought it was just ok, but for the small amount of effort it took to make I decided it was worth adding to the recipe book.
Next!
Cheeseburger and French Fries Pass-the-roll
This is a good one of those make-shit-out-of-nothing meals.
You need:
5 or 6 potatoes
Ketchup
1 pound of ground beef
Salt and pepper
Ground mustard
Onion
Block of Velveeta cheese
Handful of shredded cheddar
Yellow mustard (optional if you're a wimp)
First, boil that water. Nothing pisses me off more than having my shit ready to go and the water is still sitting there still. Peel and thick slice however many potatoes you think you'll need for two layers in your baking dish. For me it was 5 or 6 decent sized red potatoes. Boil them. Chop an onion and throw it into a non-stick pan. When it is translucent, add ground beef, season with salt and pepper and lots of ground mustard. If you don't have ground mustard, skip it, I'm not sure it made any difference in the taste anyway. When your potatoes are soft but not falling apart, drain them, and use half to shingle a layer on the bottom of the pan. Squirt a ketchup message on top of the potatoes (message ideas: "This is poison!" or "Your butt is big!"). Drain the ground beef mixture and spread it on top of the ketchuped potatoes. Layer thin slices of Velveeta cheese on top of the ground beef so that every bite has some cheese but not too much (I used 1/3-1/2 of the block). Layer the last half of the potatoes on top, sprinkle shredded cheddar on top to your preferred level of cheesiness, and throw it in the oven. Bake at 450 until the top is brown. I've eaten leftovers 3 times now so it makes at least 6 servings.
It tasted just like a cheeseburger and french fries in one bite! But without the roll (get it, casserole/pass-the-roll?)! I usually don't like mustard, but I was so excited with my creation that I threw just a little bit of mustard over top just to see what would happen. If you make this recipe it is mandatory that you try just one bite with mustard because I can't explain to you how good it is, you just need to try it yourself.
FYI I used a really small rectangular pan for both of these recipes, and would recommend doubling the starch for both if you use a 9xsomething cake pan sized dish.
Showing posts with label random. Show all posts
Showing posts with label random. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Monday, November 7, 2011
Nerd Confession
Last week I confessed that I say nope to soap, so here's my next "shameful" confession.
Some of my favorite friends live on the internet.
I'm not really sure how shameful it is or what. I remember being in high school and talking to strange people on message boards and AIM regularly, but never ever ever considered them my real friends. I assumed all people meeting other people from the internet were either toothless, desperate or pedobears.
It seems to be more acceptable and slightly less nerdy these days though. I joined a mom forum in 2008 because I had an embarassing question about my big pregnant crotch or something, and I never once expected to make a second post, but somehow I ended up becoming part of a community and now I've met some of them! In real life! One trusted me with her life in the back of my swagger wagon on the way to dinner once, and one had the opportunity to touch my boob "on accident". Another was slightly disappointed by the contrast in my online persona and my real life softspoken social awkwardness, ha.
I'm still not toothless or a pedobear, and I don't think I'm desperate, so I guess maybe it was never really that nerdy to make friends online and perhaps my perspective has just changed. I think this is just yet another one of those things that motherhood has changed for me. I still have my BFFs from high school and my few work friends, but between all of us I was alone in pushing out my Little Me's by almost 3 years. And until the kids are in school, there's not a place that you have to go and have to mingle with other parents and force yourself into friendships with them. And me being entirely too socially retarded, I find it difficult to force myself into library and playground trips at regular intervals to meet up with people. I realize I'm not helping my "I'm not desperate" statement here.
Regardless, I have taken a genuine liking to these ladies. They laugh at my dumb jokes. They listen and sympathize with my dumb rants. They have helped raise my kids in some ways. They are way easier to talk to about embarassing things since I will never have to look most of them in the eye. They have started businesses and gotten married and had struggles and lost loved ones and shared it all with me and taught me a little about what adult friendships should be like. They're taking me through this weird not-many-mom-friends phase and hopefully will stick around for many many years!
So, I give my highly valuable endorsement to supplementing your life with genuine friends that happen to live on the internet. Mom forums aren't that dorky.
Some of my favorite friends live on the internet.
I'm not really sure how shameful it is or what. I remember being in high school and talking to strange people on message boards and AIM regularly, but never ever ever considered them my real friends. I assumed all people meeting other people from the internet were either toothless, desperate or pedobears.
It seems to be more acceptable and slightly less nerdy these days though. I joined a mom forum in 2008 because I had an embarassing question about my big pregnant crotch or something, and I never once expected to make a second post, but somehow I ended up becoming part of a community and now I've met some of them! In real life! One trusted me with her life in the back of my swagger wagon on the way to dinner once, and one had the opportunity to touch my boob "on accident". Another was slightly disappointed by the contrast in my online persona and my real life softspoken social awkwardness, ha.
I'm still not toothless or a pedobear, and I don't think I'm desperate, so I guess maybe it was never really that nerdy to make friends online and perhaps my perspective has just changed. I think this is just yet another one of those things that motherhood has changed for me. I still have my BFFs from high school and my few work friends, but between all of us I was alone in pushing out my Little Me's by almost 3 years. And until the kids are in school, there's not a place that you have to go and have to mingle with other parents and force yourself into friendships with them. And me being entirely too socially retarded, I find it difficult to force myself into library and playground trips at regular intervals to meet up with people. I realize I'm not helping my "I'm not desperate" statement here.
Regardless, I have taken a genuine liking to these ladies. They laugh at my dumb jokes. They listen and sympathize with my dumb rants. They have helped raise my kids in some ways. They are way easier to talk to about embarassing things since I will never have to look most of them in the eye. They have started businesses and gotten married and had struggles and lost loved ones and shared it all with me and taught me a little about what adult friendships should be like. They're taking me through this weird not-many-mom-friends phase and hopefully will stick around for many many years!
So, I give my highly valuable endorsement to supplementing your life with genuine friends that happen to live on the internet. Mom forums aren't that dorky.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Ways to Die at The Maryland Zoo in Baltimore
Walk across this moving bridge when it moves a little too much.
Explore the dark bat cave on a cold rainy day when there's no one at the zoo to hear you screaming if an ax murderer is hiding behind a corner.
Suffocation by giant nutsack bird's nest.
Fatal case of goat herpes, or bleed out by bitten off tongue
Embarassment.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
FoodTruck The Gathering
Joe and I have a semi-secret dream to someday run a food truck. We'll sell portable pizza and pies and call it the Pie-By (let the timestamp show I posted this 10/13/11 so that I can sue some assbag if he tries to steal it) and it will be awesome. Everyone'll want a pizza the action (see what I did there?)! Until we hit the lottery though, or some rich family member we've never met dies and leaves us a fortune, we'll be frequenting others' food trucks and taking critical notes as food truck hopefuls.
We went to The Gathering, Baltimore's monthly food truck rally, last week for the second time. My main motivation in going was to try some chocolate covered bacon (aka Heaven?) from The Gypsy Queen Cafe. While I was standing in line I was imagining the raving review I was going to write about my slice of Heaven and the Crab Cone that I had previously been skeptical of. I was going to have Joe take suggestive photos of me sucking the tip of the cone dry and everything because it was going to be that good. I rehearsed my order in my head God knows how many times because I didn't want a stutter or a slur or a volume issue to delay my face stuffing by even one second.
When I finally reached the line and ordered and got my total, I died a little inside. Something like $28 to feed just Joe and I, not including drinks. But they had the goods and I needed a fix so I didn't hesitate to hand over my debit card. Then Baldy McGypsyDude tells me in his best asshole voice "Uh. We're cash only tonight". What the fuck? Who uses cash anymore?? Ok, I realize that like 1% of the population does visit the bank still, so I had confirmed with the merchandise tent lady BEFORE getting in line to make sure they were taking cards, on the off chance that the Holders of the Bacon were catering to the 1%. Who knew Frizzy McGypsyBitch would lie to a customer, or that Team McGypsyDicks would not communicate this fact amongst each other and/or then put up a goddam sign on their truck to spare folks like me from standing in a long line just for the biggest let down of their Friday?
I ended up not getting anything because of their colossal douchiness. I'm disappointed though. And I'll probably give them another shot at some point, because aside from this Cash Only crap, they're doing a lot of things right. So with their inspiration, here's how I plan to run a successful food truck.
1. Have an awesome name. When Joe and I went to our first Gathering a few months ago we got these bombin Turkish tacos from... some truck. I don't know if the name wasn't memorable or if the truck wasn't labeled correctly, but they could take a lesson from the clever-named, more identifiable trucks, like Gypsy Queen, Iced Gems, and Souper Freak.
2. Be recognizable. A quick google search led me to the name of the taco truck - Cazbar! Not a bad name, not sure why I didn't remember it. But I did remember its big bright redness and knew it immediately when I saw it on the search. Good save, Cazbar! Also at the top of this list, along with the Gypsy Queen, is Flippin' Pizza.
3. Provide variety. If you wanna roll with the big trucks, you can't just have chocolate and vanilla soft serve, or cheese and pepperoni pizza (sorry whatever ice cream truck was there and Flippin Pizza). Gypsy Queen wins hands down on this one with their menu of tacos, burgers, seafood things and desserts. Or if you're going to focus on one type of food (such as cupcakes or soup or grilled cheese), then figure out a way to make it different than the boring shit I'm going to make in my own kitchen. Perfect example: GrrChe offers a grilled cheese sandwich with mac&cheese and pulled pork. Yeah. (However, GrrChe clearly skipped rule #1).
We went to The Gathering, Baltimore's monthly food truck rally, last week for the second time. My main motivation in going was to try some chocolate covered bacon (aka Heaven?) from The Gypsy Queen Cafe. While I was standing in line I was imagining the raving review I was going to write about my slice of Heaven and the Crab Cone that I had previously been skeptical of. I was going to have Joe take suggestive photos of me sucking the tip of the cone dry and everything because it was going to be that good. I rehearsed my order in my head God knows how many times because I didn't want a stutter or a slur or a volume issue to delay my face stuffing by even one second.
When I finally reached the line and ordered and got my total, I died a little inside. Something like $28 to feed just Joe and I, not including drinks. But they had the goods and I needed a fix so I didn't hesitate to hand over my debit card. Then Baldy McGypsyDude tells me in his best asshole voice "Uh. We're cash only tonight". What the fuck? Who uses cash anymore?? Ok, I realize that like 1% of the population does visit the bank still, so I had confirmed with the merchandise tent lady BEFORE getting in line to make sure they were taking cards, on the off chance that the Holders of the Bacon were catering to the 1%. Who knew Frizzy McGypsyBitch would lie to a customer, or that Team McGypsyDicks would not communicate this fact amongst each other and/or then put up a goddam sign on their truck to spare folks like me from standing in a long line just for the biggest let down of their Friday?
I ended up not getting anything because of their colossal douchiness. I'm disappointed though. And I'll probably give them another shot at some point, because aside from this Cash Only crap, they're doing a lot of things right. So with their inspiration, here's how I plan to run a successful food truck.
1. Have an awesome name. When Joe and I went to our first Gathering a few months ago we got these bombin Turkish tacos from... some truck. I don't know if the name wasn't memorable or if the truck wasn't labeled correctly, but they could take a lesson from the clever-named, more identifiable trucks, like Gypsy Queen, Iced Gems, and Souper Freak.
Something falafel, something gyro-ish, and something chicken from the something truck
2. Be recognizable. A quick google search led me to the name of the taco truck - Cazbar! Not a bad name, not sure why I didn't remember it. But I did remember its big bright redness and knew it immediately when I saw it on the search. Good save, Cazbar! Also at the top of this list, along with the Gypsy Queen, is Flippin' Pizza.
3. Provide variety. If you wanna roll with the big trucks, you can't just have chocolate and vanilla soft serve, or cheese and pepperoni pizza (sorry whatever ice cream truck was there and Flippin Pizza). Gypsy Queen wins hands down on this one with their menu of tacos, burgers, seafood things and desserts. Or if you're going to focus on one type of food (such as cupcakes or soup or grilled cheese), then figure out a way to make it different than the boring shit I'm going to make in my own kitchen. Perfect example: GrrChe offers a grilled cheese sandwich with mac&cheese and pulled pork. Yeah. (However, GrrChe clearly skipped rule #1).
Burger cupcake from Iced Gems!
4. Provide quality. I hate to dish on Flippin Pizza again, but we got Violet a slice of their pizza and it tasted like soggy day old Dominos at best. I know I'm eating food from a truck, but I don't want it to taste like that, you know? I want to feel like I'm eating food with Tom Colicchio, not Andrew Zimmern. And let's face it, I could easily be fooled into thinking your food is top quality if you just throw some frou-frou ingredients on it, like lobster and truffle oil and watercress. Mmm, that sounds like rich person food, I'll have some!
I'm high on cupcake!
5. Make food that people want. The food truck version of Put A Bird On It is Put Some Bacon In It. The most successful trucks I saw had bacon on their menu, because people can't get enough of its greasy salty disgusting deliciousness for some reason. So give the people what they want! Consider a truck called BACON, painted like a slice of bacon, serving different variations of bacon-wrapped bacon. Also, this is Baltimore, so incorporate crabcakes and Berger cookies and you've got yourself a food truck. Honorable mention to Creperie Breizh with the Nutella.
6. Make your menu visible. If you are a food truck on the side of the road and your name or decor haven't made it clear what you are trying to put in me, and if your menu was printed on a 8.5"x11" paper from a bubblejet, I will not patronize you. So fix that. Big ups to Iced Gems on this one for their dry erase magnetic strips stuck on the side of their van!
7. Take advantage of social networking. Seriously. Except don't expect me to "Like" you because I've already had to hide all the other trucks I like to avoid going broke or (re-)getting fat when they pop up in my newsfeed and tempt me to meet them at their current location in Baltimore City.
I told him "Look hungry" and this is what he gives me?
8. Don't be a dick. Ok, obviously I'm just a little sour still about not getting my crab cone. Gypsy Queen is lucky they're doing so many other things right so at some point I'll get over myself and hand over my $12. Had a less successful truck left me hanging, they'd be done to me.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
I'm shitting craft sticks. Thank you Irene!
Let me present you with a series of events.
-I buy an iPhone, discover that I can snap and upload pictures of Violet to facebook EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME, as well as do other fun internet things
-iPhone breaks years later, I realize I spent too much time on it!
-Violet's new book becomes "The Berenstain Bears Too Much TV", which I read nightly over top of the sound of the TV
-I notice the computer battery is dying earlier than usual and needing to be plugged in when it used to last all day, and assume it is because the battery is going up
-Hurricane Irene hits! Transformers blow!
-I live approximately FOREVER with no lights, AC or fans, phone, television, stereo or phone. Basically I camped in my own house for 2 nights.
What happens next is I discover I LOVE a life free from technology! When my phone went up, I felt like I was dying without instant facebook access, so I started bringing the computer out into the living room for "periodic" check-ins. I was still taking Violet out for our playground trips and library trips and playdates, but while we were at home I didn't realize how much time I was spending on this stupid lap top. I feel horribly guilty now that I'm thinking about it. I did think to myself that maybe I heard Violet asking me to put the computer down a few times too many, but surely I wasn't ignoring her or choosing the internet over her because that would make me a bad mom.
Honestly though, now that I'm out of it, I knew I was being a bad mom to her! I wanted a way out but I just couldn't figure out how to put the Internet down. THANK YOU HURRICANE IRENE for the technology detox and helping me defeat my facebook addiction. I wonder if it's possible that I was actually addicted? Whether I was or wasn't, I hope I never feel that constant aching draw toward it ever again. Violet and I did so many crafts the past few days that I'm basically shitting craft sticks. And oddly enough, I haven't had one anxiety attack since before Saturday either. I bet the pharmaceutical companies have some deal going on with the television and computer makers to emit anxiety-inducing radiation so that people will have to buy anti-anxiety drugs! Hmmm, something to ponder.
Something else to ponder: why are our fingers all different lengths?
-I buy an iPhone, discover that I can snap and upload pictures of Violet to facebook EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME, as well as do other fun internet things
-iPhone breaks years later, I realize I spent too much time on it!
-Violet's new book becomes "The Berenstain Bears Too Much TV", which I read nightly over top of the sound of the TV
-I notice the computer battery is dying earlier than usual and needing to be plugged in when it used to last all day, and assume it is because the battery is going up
-Hurricane Irene hits! Transformers blow!
-I live approximately FOREVER with no lights, AC or fans, phone, television, stereo or phone. Basically I camped in my own house for 2 nights.
What happens next is I discover I LOVE a life free from technology! When my phone went up, I felt like I was dying without instant facebook access, so I started bringing the computer out into the living room for "periodic" check-ins. I was still taking Violet out for our playground trips and library trips and playdates, but while we were at home I didn't realize how much time I was spending on this stupid lap top. I feel horribly guilty now that I'm thinking about it. I did think to myself that maybe I heard Violet asking me to put the computer down a few times too many, but surely I wasn't ignoring her or choosing the internet over her because that would make me a bad mom.
Honestly though, now that I'm out of it, I knew I was being a bad mom to her! I wanted a way out but I just couldn't figure out how to put the Internet down. THANK YOU HURRICANE IRENE for the technology detox and helping me defeat my facebook addiction. I wonder if it's possible that I was actually addicted? Whether I was or wasn't, I hope I never feel that constant aching draw toward it ever again. Violet and I did so many crafts the past few days that I'm basically shitting craft sticks. And oddly enough, I haven't had one anxiety attack since before Saturday either. I bet the pharmaceutical companies have some deal going on with the television and computer makers to emit anxiety-inducing radiation so that people will have to buy anti-anxiety drugs! Hmmm, something to ponder.
Something else to ponder: why are our fingers all different lengths?
A is for my mom's an Asshole
Friday, August 26, 2011
A picture of me in a bright orange dress
I was never into dressing up in high school (or now for that matter). My uniform consisted of slip-ons, ratty jeans and a t-shirt/sweater/old man cardigan/old lady doily vest. For occasions where I HAD to dress up, I wore my "nice" slip-ons, my "nice" dark jeans, and a button up under my sweater/old man cardigan/old lady doily vest. At the ripe old age of 26, I'm still a jeans and t-shirt kind of person. I can appreciate the fanfare of getting all dolled up, but I'm just too lazy to do it ever.
For some reason I really dug prom though. I thought I looked decent in my dress, I didn't do that bad in the BIG ASS heels considering I'd walked in heels like twice in my life before then, I managed to keep my hair-do intact all night, and I even did my own make up! The music sucked (I guess I like the song but who plays Sweet Home Alabama at a high school party?) and I could have done without 85% of the people there, but the limo ride was special and at the after party I had my toes sucked on a dare (changed. my. life.). It was a novel experience for me, and it by no means converted me to the type to do my hair everyday (or ever) or own make up, but I definitely could understand why people would get a kick out of looking pretty.
So my friends and I decided to do it again the next couple years. We called it Mock Prom and we went to Hooters in Downtown Baltimore and we wore our dresses and we even did superlatives on sashes (and we TOTALLY called Melissa on "Most Likely To Leave Her Man At The Altar"!) and I'm sure we danced in the middle of a street somewhere. If we had the means, we would have absolutely had a full blown dance floor/DJ/crabcake dinner/limo ride home kinda Mock Prom.
I just recently found out that "Adult Prom" is a real thing. A)WTF, I'm more convinced than ever that someone is stealing all my ideas and executing them on a grander scale and making money off my shit. B) I haven't read a single person have anything positive to say about Adult Prom. Really people? If it's the wording, maybe I can understand that. Personally I think Mock Prom is way catchier, and it takes out the hint of patheticness that results when you lead another word with "Adult" (another example being adult diaper). Most people though seem to have an issue with the fact that prom just plain sucked and you're just plain stupid if you'd want to redo it. But maybe those most people need to get a sense of fucking humor. It's as if everyone thinks just because some dork at the NY Times called Adult Prom "A Second Shot to Have the Best Night of Their Lives", that people ACTUALLY considered that the best night of their lives. Yes, I bet the 60some year olds who have had weddings and children's birthdays and sleepover weekends with their grandkids think all that pales in comparison to High School Prom. And the 30somethings attending Adult Prom think getting the keys to their newly built home is cat shit compared to High School Prom. It couldn't be that they enjoy an excuse to dress up in tacky dresses and get their hair curled by a professional and it DEFINITELY couldn't be the excuse for a mani/pedi. And I'm sure the nostalgia of a person's younger days have nothing to do with it. I know I gave up sliding boards the second I turned 18 because nostalgia and fun are lame and evil.
Rich people have some sort of gala going on every damn weekend. And have you seen some of the clothes that rich women wear? Rich Person A: Hey, I'm having a charity event this weekend, please come and please wear a shapeless dress made entirely of sequins a la Golden Girls but somehow it's considered fashionable today. Rich Person B: Ok cool! Hey I farted, please come to my "Release Party" and wear all magenta! And no one is judging them. I like to think of Adult Prom has the poor man's answer to that. Sure, we'd love to buy dozens of multi-hundred dollar dresses every year for a business launch party or charity auction or any random event you can think of. But we can't. So we search the clearance rack at Sears during prom season, or EVEN BETTER, wear our original prom dress, then we stick a tuxedo t-shirt on our husbands and we enjoy a night of silly style and ridiculousness with similarly silly and ridiculous company.
And now that I have defended Adult Prom, if one is ever organized in Baltimore I BETTER get a free invitation.
PS Just kidding about the toe sucking changing my life. It was enjoyable in a that-tickly-feeling-intrigues-me kinda way, but I'm no perv.
For some reason I really dug prom though. I thought I looked decent in my dress, I didn't do that bad in the BIG ASS heels considering I'd walked in heels like twice in my life before then, I managed to keep my hair-do intact all night, and I even did my own make up! The music sucked (I guess I like the song but who plays Sweet Home Alabama at a high school party?) and I could have done without 85% of the people there, but the limo ride was special and at the after party I had my toes sucked on a dare (changed. my. life.). It was a novel experience for me, and it by no means converted me to the type to do my hair everyday (or ever) or own make up, but I definitely could understand why people would get a kick out of looking pretty.
So my friends and I decided to do it again the next couple years. We called it Mock Prom and we went to Hooters in Downtown Baltimore and we wore our dresses and we even did superlatives on sashes (and we TOTALLY called Melissa on "Most Likely To Leave Her Man At The Altar"!) and I'm sure we danced in the middle of a street somewhere. If we had the means, we would have absolutely had a full blown dance floor/DJ/crabcake dinner/limo ride home kinda Mock Prom.
I just recently found out that "Adult Prom" is a real thing. A)WTF, I'm more convinced than ever that someone is stealing all my ideas and executing them on a grander scale and making money off my shit. B) I haven't read a single person have anything positive to say about Adult Prom. Really people? If it's the wording, maybe I can understand that. Personally I think Mock Prom is way catchier, and it takes out the hint of patheticness that results when you lead another word with "Adult" (another example being adult diaper). Most people though seem to have an issue with the fact that prom just plain sucked and you're just plain stupid if you'd want to redo it. But maybe those most people need to get a sense of fucking humor. It's as if everyone thinks just because some dork at the NY Times called Adult Prom "A Second Shot to Have the Best Night of Their Lives", that people ACTUALLY considered that the best night of their lives. Yes, I bet the 60some year olds who have had weddings and children's birthdays and sleepover weekends with their grandkids think all that pales in comparison to High School Prom. And the 30somethings attending Adult Prom think getting the keys to their newly built home is cat shit compared to High School Prom. It couldn't be that they enjoy an excuse to dress up in tacky dresses and get their hair curled by a professional and it DEFINITELY couldn't be the excuse for a mani/pedi. And I'm sure the nostalgia of a person's younger days have nothing to do with it. I know I gave up sliding boards the second I turned 18 because nostalgia and fun are lame and evil.
Rich people have some sort of gala going on every damn weekend. And have you seen some of the clothes that rich women wear? Rich Person A: Hey, I'm having a charity event this weekend, please come and please wear a shapeless dress made entirely of sequins a la Golden Girls but somehow it's considered fashionable today. Rich Person B: Ok cool! Hey I farted, please come to my "Release Party" and wear all magenta! And no one is judging them. I like to think of Adult Prom has the poor man's answer to that. Sure, we'd love to buy dozens of multi-hundred dollar dresses every year for a business launch party or charity auction or any random event you can think of. But we can't. So we search the clearance rack at Sears during prom season, or EVEN BETTER, wear our original prom dress, then we stick a tuxedo t-shirt on our husbands and we enjoy a night of silly style and ridiculousness with similarly silly and ridiculous company.
And now that I have defended Adult Prom, if one is ever organized in Baltimore I BETTER get a free invitation.
All dressed up and no Adult Prom to be at.
PS Just kidding about the toe sucking changing my life. It was enjoyable in a that-tickly-feeling-intrigues-me kinda way, but I'm no perv.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Put down my iPhone? Maybe.
Joe's probably gonna be pissed that I'm sharing our patheticness with the public, but a blog wouldn't be very much fun if I withheld personal information (like how the only thing I like about wearing socks is pulling the sock fuzzies from between my toes). So, due to the recent combination of mismanaged funds and the fact that we just don't make enough fucking money anyway, Joe and I recently lived more than a week on $30. Then we got paid, yay! And now we're back to nothing again, hooray bills. In the meantime, I stopped paying my cell phone bill because I was tired of being raped by my iPhone every month, and now I've gone a whole week without ANY phone.
It's been quite the adjustment because I've never gone without ANY phone since high school, and I haven't gone without a smart phone in maybe 4 years. I used to always be the type who said I didn't need a phone except to make occasional calls on-the-go... then I discovered texting and realized I couldn't live without that either. The great thing about texting is you don't have to have a full conversation at once. And you don't even have to actually TALK to anyone at all (I totally have a thpeech imped-imped-impe-duh-ment, so I hate talking). And if you just don't feel like interacting with someone, you can just ignore a text for hours. Or days. Or forever! Not that I'd do that, but I like the option.
So then a few years ago, I was living at my mom's house, had very few bills, and was into spending money on things I didn't need. So I bought some kinda (crappy by today's standard) smart phone. Internet! At my fingertips at all times! On break at work! On the shitter! At a stop light! Walking down the street! And a full keyboard?! And TOUCH SCREEN? *phonegasm* It was the best. Then I got an iPhone - The Holy Grail of phones (Android users, you just don't even know, so stfu) - and I made the decision that it was iPhone or no phone. iPhones are the black of phones, and once you go black, you never go back.
Fast forward to me now: semi-responsible, with a mortgage and bills (so broke), mothering, and enlightened about myself and my priorities... but most notably, broke, and with two really cute little girls to adorn. I LOVE being able to take pictures of them wearing silly hats or going down a big slide (or the Fail Slide), but there's that whole broke thing going on still. And there's also the fact that with being able to connect to the cyber world with such ease, and with me having no will power, sometimes it's too easy. Too often I find myself saying "Oh Violet, how cute that you smashed blueberries all over your face! Let me take a picture and upload it to facebook! And since I'm on facebook I might as well check out everyone else's status updates. Oh that reminds me of a funny story I have to tell about you! Must update! Hmmm, I should text Daddy about that too. I wonder what Daddy wants for dinner tonight. I'll just look up a recipe real quick!" Half an hour later I finally realize Violet has left blueberry fingerprints all over the house, and blueberries are a bitch to clean up.
So here's the Pros and Cons of an iPhone:
PROS
CONS
So anyway. That's why I'm considering just dropping down to a free brick phone with a few minutes a month and texting abilities so that I still don't have to actually talk to people. It'll save us a ton of money and maybe I'll be participating in the mess-making with Violet more often instead of just cleaning it up.
Plus then I can judge all the moms I see updating their facebook status on the playground, because that's what we moms do (judge, I mean).
It's been quite the adjustment because I've never gone without ANY phone since high school, and I haven't gone without a smart phone in maybe 4 years. I used to always be the type who said I didn't need a phone except to make occasional calls on-the-go... then I discovered texting and realized I couldn't live without that either. The great thing about texting is you don't have to have a full conversation at once. And you don't even have to actually TALK to anyone at all (I totally have a thpeech imped-imped-impe-duh-ment, so I hate talking). And if you just don't feel like interacting with someone, you can just ignore a text for hours. Or days. Or forever! Not that I'd do that, but I like the option.
So then a few years ago, I was living at my mom's house, had very few bills, and was into spending money on things I didn't need. So I bought some kinda (crappy by today's standard) smart phone. Internet! At my fingertips at all times! On break at work! On the shitter! At a stop light! Walking down the street! And a full keyboard?! And TOUCH SCREEN? *phonegasm* It was the best. Then I got an iPhone - The Holy Grail of phones (Android users, you just don't even know, so stfu) - and I made the decision that it was iPhone or no phone. iPhones are the black of phones, and once you go black, you never go back.
Fast forward to me now: semi-responsible, with a mortgage and bills (so broke), mothering, and enlightened about myself and my priorities... but most notably, broke, and with two really cute little girls to adorn. I LOVE being able to take pictures of them wearing silly hats or going down a big slide (or the Fail Slide), but there's that whole broke thing going on still. And there's also the fact that with being able to connect to the cyber world with such ease, and with me having no will power, sometimes it's too easy. Too often I find myself saying "Oh Violet, how cute that you smashed blueberries all over your face! Let me take a picture and upload it to facebook! And since I'm on facebook I might as well check out everyone else's status updates. Oh that reminds me of a funny story I have to tell about you! Must update! Hmmm, I should text Daddy about that too. I wonder what Daddy wants for dinner tonight. I'll just look up a recipe real quick!" Half an hour later I finally realize Violet has left blueberry fingerprints all over the house, and blueberries are a bitch to clean up.
So here's the Pros and Cons of an iPhone:
PROS
- Easy access to Facebook, Safari, YouTube, Email, apps
- Pocket camera to capture the smiles of my children and embarassing photos of idiot people
- GPS for when I'm lost in BFE, Baltimore, or for when I need to locate the nearest McDonald's because I'm too lazy make a real lunch
- No pesky buttons to touch
- Music player on the go (I never even used this feature, but like I said, I like options)
- Part of the special club that only iPhone users get to be part of
CONS
- I cannot resist its fancy screen-rotating and page-swiping sitting all alone in my back pocket
- I don't pay enough attention to my children
- I probably don't pay enough attention to my husband either
- It costs the equivalent of 2-4 pieces of grown-up clothing a month, which I could desperately use because I am currently wearing a shirt I bought for $.98 in 2001 (Happy Decade Anniversary to my favorite shirt!!)
- If it breaks I'm too poor to replace it
- I'm ADD enough without it
- Does anyone really care that much that Leela army crawled 3 feet?
- A regular boring phone makes calls and texts just as well (ok, the text part is debatable)
So anyway. That's why I'm considering just dropping down to a free brick phone with a few minutes a month and texting abilities so that I still don't have to actually talk to people. It'll save us a ton of money and maybe I'll be participating in the mess-making with Violet more often instead of just cleaning it up.
Must Upload To Facebook NOW!
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
An envelope of money
Three or four years ago, I was walking through a parking lot and found an envelope containing a substantial amount of money. I picked it up and put it in my pocket and kept walking. The whole way to the store I thought about how many radio purses
and slap bracelets
I could buy, or how I could pay off an entire year worth of bills (I was young and living at home. It'd last maybe 2 months now. *sigh*). Then I walked into the store and turned it in.
Everyone I told about it couldn't believe I didn't keep it. Some people were downright ANGRY that I didn't keep it. Everyone was like "WTF IS YOUR PROBLEM?". For whatever reason, it's been a popular topic again the past few weeks, and whenever I talk to someone about it they STILL think something is wrong with me. I guess my problem is I'm not a sucky human being. SERIOUSLY. It is so crazy to me that anyone could keep this money for themselves. When I saw it, I couldn't not imagine who it belonged to. I have a crazy soft spot for poor little old folks, so I imagined this belonged to some old lady who had just cashed out her dead husband's pension check and this was her livelihood for the whole month. Or what if some kid had been saving up all of his birthday and Christmas money for his whole life and was about to go buy a puppy (or 10). What if it belonged to a stripper and in losing this money she had essentially just flashed her vag thousands of times for free. Or what if it was someone's donation to an orphanage. Would you steal from orphans?
Honestly, it makes me sad. Not one single person said to me "That was a really great thing you did Kate! I would have done the same!". People are always wondering what's wrong with the world today. What's wrong is everyone is an asshole!! Everyone thinks about all the stuff they want and no one ever thinks about all the stuff they already have or all the stuff someone else doesn't have. I could have kept that money and bought something but I would have lost all that shit by now, and maybe the person who lost that money would have lost their house and would be bouncing between shelters now, so neither of us would be left with anything. Instead, I turned it in and those people got their money back and they slipped me $40 (which given the amount of money in the envelope was a pretty cheap ass reward, but hey it was $40 I didn't have before).
I dunno. I just remember being in school and constantly being lectured to treat people the way I want to be treated and everyone would be happy. Does that stop applying once you're old enough to make your own money or something? Meh. Sorry this is a sort of depressing blog today. Here's a strangely-related (not at all really) funny picture to leave on a good note.
and slap bracelets I could buy, or how I could pay off an entire year worth of bills (I was young and living at home. It'd last maybe 2 months now. *sigh*). Then I walked into the store and turned it in. Everyone I told about it couldn't believe I didn't keep it. Some people were downright ANGRY that I didn't keep it. Everyone was like "WTF IS YOUR PROBLEM?". For whatever reason, it's been a popular topic again the past few weeks, and whenever I talk to someone about it they STILL think something is wrong with me. I guess my problem is I'm not a sucky human being. SERIOUSLY. It is so crazy to me that anyone could keep this money for themselves. When I saw it, I couldn't not imagine who it belonged to. I have a crazy soft spot for poor little old folks, so I imagined this belonged to some old lady who had just cashed out her dead husband's pension check and this was her livelihood for the whole month. Or what if some kid had been saving up all of his birthday and Christmas money for his whole life and was about to go buy a puppy (or 10). What if it belonged to a stripper and in losing this money she had essentially just flashed her vag thousands of times for free. Or what if it was someone's donation to an orphanage. Would you steal from orphans?
Honestly, it makes me sad. Not one single person said to me "That was a really great thing you did Kate! I would have done the same!". People are always wondering what's wrong with the world today. What's wrong is everyone is an asshole!! Everyone thinks about all the stuff they want and no one ever thinks about all the stuff they already have or all the stuff someone else doesn't have. I could have kept that money and bought something but I would have lost all that shit by now, and maybe the person who lost that money would have lost their house and would be bouncing between shelters now, so neither of us would be left with anything. Instead, I turned it in and those people got their money back and they slipped me $40 (which given the amount of money in the envelope was a pretty cheap ass reward, but hey it was $40 I didn't have before).
I dunno. I just remember being in school and constantly being lectured to treat people the way I want to be treated and everyone would be happy. Does that stop applying once you're old enough to make your own money or something? Meh. Sorry this is a sort of depressing blog today. Here's a strangely-related (not at all really) funny picture to leave on a good note.
It seems I have no choice but to sell you my baby for $3000. You promise she's going to a good home right?
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Things I Can't Believe I Never Knew
I haven't posted in a while. The most interesting thing to happen to me the past week was losing my shoes and calling out of work as a result. Actually that whole thing had me really pissed off because my boss said to me "Kate. I literally have 70 pairs of shoes. You have ONE?" and I was all "Yeah lady, I'm poor, that's how I roll, blow me," and then I barefoot roundhoused her ass through the phone because I'm a teleninja. The other part of the whole thing that pissed me off is that literally two days before, I had a whole shit ton of shoes that I had been saving "just in case" and I had finally decided "just in case" wasn't coming. So then it came. So I'm officially never throwing anything away ever again.
Anyway, so somehow this next story is related but you wouldn't believe if you stopped after this paragraph. I was just talking at Joe about how I hadn't blogged in a while because I couldn't think of anything to say, and he wasn't paying attention of course and he's like "The guys at work were making fun of me the other day because I didn't know turkeys could fly." Wait. What? TURKEYS FLY?
Which brings me to this. Things I feel really dumb for never having known before. Some with video proof in case your dumbass didn't know either.
1. Turkeys fly. This just surprises me because those things are BIG. I figured they could do the ol' jump-and-fly-10-feet, but no, they actually FLY.
2. The average American woman owns 19 pairs of shoes. This search was prompted by my asshole boss. Not that I don't support a woman's right to own however the hell many shoes she wants, but I don't think I've owned 19 pairs of shoes in my whole life, muchless that many at once. What do you do with that many shoes???
3. You can make salisbury steak. I'm not sure what I thought salisbury steak was, but I always figured it was some kind of pre-chewed naturally occuring thing. Like scrapple and hot dogs. Uh, yeah. But apparently it's beef and pork and god knows what else combined.
4. Casey Kasem is still alive. Every single time I hear this guy on the radio I think "Holy crap, he's still alive?!" I swear he died like 15 years ago. Isn't he 110 now or something?
Honestly I can't even think of any of the really good examples of dumb stuff I didn't know, but I feel like almost every day I learn some sort of common knowledge and I'm like "wait, what?" and people look at me like I'm the stupidest person to ever breathe (like when I discovered white people are mutated black people). It's probably true sometimes. Oh, another thing is I didn't know human boobs make milk and that babies eat from them until I was like 15. WTF?
Anyway, so somehow this next story is related but you wouldn't believe if you stopped after this paragraph. I was just talking at Joe about how I hadn't blogged in a while because I couldn't think of anything to say, and he wasn't paying attention of course and he's like "The guys at work were making fun of me the other day because I didn't know turkeys could fly." Wait. What? TURKEYS FLY?
Which brings me to this. Things I feel really dumb for never having known before. Some with video proof in case your dumbass didn't know either.
1. Turkeys fly. This just surprises me because those things are BIG. I figured they could do the ol' jump-and-fly-10-feet, but no, they actually FLY.
2. The average American woman owns 19 pairs of shoes. This search was prompted by my asshole boss. Not that I don't support a woman's right to own however the hell many shoes she wants, but I don't think I've owned 19 pairs of shoes in my whole life, muchless that many at once. What do you do with that many shoes???
3. You can make salisbury steak. I'm not sure what I thought salisbury steak was, but I always figured it was some kind of pre-chewed naturally occuring thing. Like scrapple and hot dogs. Uh, yeah. But apparently it's beef and pork and god knows what else combined.
4. Casey Kasem is still alive. Every single time I hear this guy on the radio I think "Holy crap, he's still alive?!" I swear he died like 15 years ago. Isn't he 110 now or something?
Honestly I can't even think of any of the really good examples of dumb stuff I didn't know, but I feel like almost every day I learn some sort of common knowledge and I'm like "wait, what?" and people look at me like I'm the stupidest person to ever breathe (like when I discovered white people are mutated black people). It's probably true sometimes. Oh, another thing is I didn't know human boobs make milk and that babies eat from them until I was like 15. WTF?
Sunday, August 7, 2011
To conclude World Breastfeeding Week, here is a picture of my boob.
Get it? Because he's a boob?
Don't judge me because I think stupid things are funny.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
I'm officially a professional blogger.
I got the money in the bank, so shorty what you drank? Bartender, I'll take half an eyedropper full of that.
This probably goes against some kind of rule I was supposed to read but didn't, but thanks to whoever accidentally clicked an ad!
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Oh, there's four members of the Black Eyed Peas?
I'm awake with a stomach bug (down 2 pounds in 6 hours, HIGH FIVE!) so I figured I'd waste some time with a quick story about something I heard on the radio the other day.
There was a contest going on to meet the Black Eyed Peas, and I shit you not, this is what the announcer said. "You could win a chance to meet Fergie, will.i.am, and the other guys." Haha! It was hilarious because a) the radio station couldn't even take the time to investigate those guys' names because they are THAT unimportant, b) there's only TWO other guys. It's not like it was Wu-tang and there's like 20 members to name, and c) it takes almost as much time to say "and the other guys" as it does "apl.de.ap and Taboo" (I just googled their names. I don't want anyone thinking I'm a fan of them or anything.)
There was a contest going on to meet the Black Eyed Peas, and I shit you not, this is what the announcer said. "You could win a chance to meet Fergie, will.i.am, and the other guys." Haha! It was hilarious because a) the radio station couldn't even take the time to investigate those guys' names because they are THAT unimportant, b) there's only TWO other guys. It's not like it was Wu-tang and there's like 20 members to name, and c) it takes almost as much time to say "and the other guys" as it does "apl.de.ap and Taboo" (I just googled their names. I don't want anyone thinking I'm a fan of them or anything.)
"Hey WeirdLookingMonkeySnakeFaceGuy and GuyWhoLooksLikeHeCouldBeAJackson, stand behind Fergie and will.i.am. Now scoot back a little. A little more. Yeah, right behind that tree, exactly. Ok, now everyone look high for the camera! *snap*"
PS. I know you're jealous of my paint skillz.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Why I'll never follow through with blogging
Hmmm, this is my 5th post I think... that may be a record for me!
I was thinking about all the many reasons I have never successfully kept up with a blog, and I think I have the number one reason. You know how social media critics are always talking about short attention spans and people wanting their information quick and in short segments? Well that's totally me. I have one completely random thought, crack myself up about it for like 27 seconds, then move onto "Oh, I have to pee." For example: I'm driving around work today thinking about how I'd like to write a blog post tonight because I haven't in a few nights but I couldn't think of anything to write about. I tried to think about something funny Violet was doing but then I remember she's scared of everything. Then I remembered that I used to be scared of the Acid Monster. Then I thought about how I used to think up some really dumb stuff to be afraid of when I was a kid and how that would make a hilarious blog post. And so a blog post was born! But all I could think about at the time was that ONE Acid Monster incident, and it seemed like SUCH a lame thing to write an ENTIRE post about, so I was like naaahhhhh fahgetaboutit. That whole string of thoughts took exactly 27 seconds. But then I decided tonight to sit down and read my previous entries and saw the thing about the Pooping Babies and remembered the Acid Monster thought-string from earlier and decided to just start writing and see where it would take me.
So to summarize again, basically it goes, 1. thinking about something to think about, 2. thought or memory triggered by something random, 3. quick giggle about short thought or memory, 4. admit defeat because the giggle was too quick, 5. write about it anyway, 6. become extremely wordy and elaborate waaayyyyy too much, get sidetracked about 40 times, then end up with a really long-winded blogel (blog novel!) that no one is going to read anyway.
I really like to write and story-tell. I used to be good at it! I remember all through school I wrote really great fictional stories and my teachers were all like "Kathryn will grow up to be a writer some day! Excellent!", and my writing was always being read aloud to the class as an example of how to not suck, and this one time in high school I wrote some story about someone being dumber than a cat trying to bury his shit on a tin roof and the whole class was literally peeing their seats over it. I don't know what happened though. I still like to write, but I've just become so unintelligent it's sad. I don't know proper grammar or syntax or any of that crap anymore. And my vocabulary is just awful. That's the worst thing - my vocabulary. I like to be wordy but I just don't know any words! Hence all the cussing and the word-making-upping. It's tragic really.
Anyway, I don't even remember where the hell I was going with all this. Oh! I lack confidence in developing my brief thoughts into paragraphs. Obviously it happens though, but it's just tough for me to initiate, and I have a feeling eventually I will stop the initiations AS USUAL and I'll have yet another dead blog.
Bibverbda. That's the word I just made up for a dead blog. Hopefully I won't be changing abozubgo to bibverbda anytime soon though!
I was thinking about all the many reasons I have never successfully kept up with a blog, and I think I have the number one reason. You know how social media critics are always talking about short attention spans and people wanting their information quick and in short segments? Well that's totally me. I have one completely random thought, crack myself up about it for like 27 seconds, then move onto "Oh, I have to pee." For example: I'm driving around work today thinking about how I'd like to write a blog post tonight because I haven't in a few nights but I couldn't think of anything to write about. I tried to think about something funny Violet was doing but then I remember she's scared of everything. Then I remembered that I used to be scared of the Acid Monster. Then I thought about how I used to think up some really dumb stuff to be afraid of when I was a kid and how that would make a hilarious blog post. And so a blog post was born! But all I could think about at the time was that ONE Acid Monster incident, and it seemed like SUCH a lame thing to write an ENTIRE post about, so I was like naaahhhhh fahgetaboutit. That whole string of thoughts took exactly 27 seconds. But then I decided tonight to sit down and read my previous entries and saw the thing about the Pooping Babies and remembered the Acid Monster thought-string from earlier and decided to just start writing and see where it would take me.
So to summarize again, basically it goes, 1. thinking about something to think about, 2. thought or memory triggered by something random, 3. quick giggle about short thought or memory, 4. admit defeat because the giggle was too quick, 5. write about it anyway, 6. become extremely wordy and elaborate waaayyyyy too much, get sidetracked about 40 times, then end up with a really long-winded blogel (blog novel!) that no one is going to read anyway.
I really like to write and story-tell. I used to be good at it! I remember all through school I wrote really great fictional stories and my teachers were all like "Kathryn will grow up to be a writer some day! Excellent!", and my writing was always being read aloud to the class as an example of how to not suck, and this one time in high school I wrote some story about someone being dumber than a cat trying to bury his shit on a tin roof and the whole class was literally peeing their seats over it. I don't know what happened though. I still like to write, but I've just become so unintelligent it's sad. I don't know proper grammar or syntax or any of that crap anymore. And my vocabulary is just awful. That's the worst thing - my vocabulary. I like to be wordy but I just don't know any words! Hence all the cussing and the word-making-upping. It's tragic really.
Anyway, I don't even remember where the hell I was going with all this. Oh! I lack confidence in developing my brief thoughts into paragraphs. Obviously it happens though, but it's just tough for me to initiate, and I have a feeling eventually I will stop the initiations AS USUAL and I'll have yet another dead blog.
Bibverbda. That's the word I just made up for a dead blog. Hopefully I won't be changing abozubgo to bibverbda anytime soon though!
Thursday, July 7, 2011
I want to start blogging again.
I want to write down my random thoughts at the end of each day, and share embarassing stories about myself. Random thoughts include: is it racial profiling or are black people just better dancers?, why do I automatically compare everything that disgusts me to foods that I adore?, and SERIOUSLY, why aren't more people afraid of bugs crawling into their body holes?. Embarassing stories include the time I talked to my boss for like 5 minutes then as I was walking away realized that my [bra-covered, thankfully] boob was literally hanging out, the time I told my midwife that everything was "all good in the clitoral hood", The Garlic Incident, or how I locked myself out of the house 3 damn times this summer and it's only been summer for like a month. These are all opportunities that my blog missed out on because for some reason I just can't keep up a blog.
There's a couple things that stop me from blogging every time:
1. I can't decide on a name. Or if I do decide on a name, it's lame. I've been thinking on a name for a blog for like 5 months now, and do you fucking see what I settled with? Yeah, abozubgo - a word I made up when I was 17 fucking years old, that doesn't even have a meaning, you just use it in place of random abozubgos (see what I did there?!). The only other name I came up with that I even half liked was Roll Model, but then I decided a) that won't work since I'm losing weight finally, and b) it'd be a much better name for Tyra's next model competition show. Anyway, my mind just completely blanked. What was I talking about? Oh, blog name. So abozubgo it is for now, but hopefully it'll change, and maybe one day I'll stumble upon something I like permanently. OH! And about the blog url... eunuchhorn. Unicorns are my favorite animal. Eunuch horns could be another word for a penis, and penises make me laugh. And unicorn horns are pretty phallic anyway. (Side track: are those things on top of a unicorns head called a horn or a corn? Now that I'm looking at root words and prefixes and shit I have myself confused.) Anyway, I dunno. I was thinking about unicorns but I didn't just want my blog url to be "unicorn.blogspot.com", soooo I spelled it a different way I guess. Whatever. No one is reading this still anyway.
Solution: I'm going to pretend I don't give a crap what the blog is named.
2. I tend to ramble and lose track of what the hell I was talking about (as demonstrated by point #1) and then just decide to delete all of the nonsense and then either my computer dies or I get distracted by something shiny or I just fall asleep.
Solution: I'm going to pretend I don't care if people think I'm stupid and I'll just post my long lists of stupid shit anyway.
3. I TRY to be funny. I'm told I'm funny on occasion (only when communicating by some form of text because in person I am soooo duuuummmmb for some reason) but it's 96% unintentional. I just type what I'm thinking and it happens to be funny. But for some reason when I'm writing my blog, it seems so much more permanent than if I'm texting someone or like writing a post on a messageboard.... as if people are going to go back and read my blog posts over and over... yeah right. So anyway, I get all self-conscious and TRY to be funny and end up flopping.
Solution: I'm not sure. I'm trying really hard not to edit myself right now and to not even use the backspace button or pause to think or anything, but as I'm typing I'm thinking about the last sentence I typed and whether or not I sounded like an idiot or if it was funny or what. Actually I guess the solution is to accept that most likely no one is going to read anything I ever write so it really doesn't matter. Zing!
4. I can't think of anything to write when I sit down to actually write. What's up with that? It's like, I can tell Violet the most magical bedtime story about an astronaut in space and a submarine falling in love but they can't be together because one is an Orioles fan and the other is a Yankees fan, NEVERMIND the thousands of miles or atmospheres between them (and also, how did they even meet?), but then they realize they both share the love of hotdogback riding and overcome adversity and live happily ever after. But if I sat down to write a blog about something that actually exists or a thought I actually had? Plllrrrbbbbbtttt.
Solution: Would it be lame to keep notes in my phone to remind me of things to write about in a blog? Or would that be taking myself too seriously? Hmmm, must explore this option.
5. I don't want people to actually read what I have to say. Not real life people at least. Not internet people either sometimes. But at the same time, I want everyone to read what I have to say because I'm a little bit of a narcissist and hey, MAYBE people will read my blog and their insides will swell up with adoration. But I'm also completely insecure and have a greater expectation that people will read my blog and just think "wtf."
Solution: Only let a few people read it.... for now?
Anyway, so I can't think of anything else to list and I'm bad with transitions, and I don't even have a next point to transition into anyway, so I'm going to make up a word. Oxdiesel. That's the future of the energy industry right there. (ok, I guess I kinda just put two words together rather than making up a word, but I don't see YOU making up any words, so bite me)
I just remembered something I wanted to say. I blogged about my pregnancy with Violet and it was pretty hilarious. You can read it on my myspace page, if you feel so inclined. Any entry about Growing a Blueberry is about Violet's time in my innards. (Side note: Do people use myspace at all anymore? I remember a time when I thought facebook was lame. Ha!) So I wanted to blog about my second pregnancy too. I started it but, surprise surprise, I never shared it with anyone because I thought it was lame. I also hated the name of it, and didn't make many entries into it, and all that other stuff I just listed as reasons for why I don't blog. But I went back and read it just now and I kinda like it! Now I wish I had shared it! But it's too late. So I'll share it now here, and I will also share this here abozubgo blog. Reluctantly.
Omg why am I still typing? Here's another made up word. Eesalkai. That's means goodbye.
There's a couple things that stop me from blogging every time:
1. I can't decide on a name. Or if I do decide on a name, it's lame. I've been thinking on a name for a blog for like 5 months now, and do you fucking see what I settled with? Yeah, abozubgo - a word I made up when I was 17 fucking years old, that doesn't even have a meaning, you just use it in place of random abozubgos (see what I did there?!). The only other name I came up with that I even half liked was Roll Model, but then I decided a) that won't work since I'm losing weight finally, and b) it'd be a much better name for Tyra's next model competition show. Anyway, my mind just completely blanked. What was I talking about? Oh, blog name. So abozubgo it is for now, but hopefully it'll change, and maybe one day I'll stumble upon something I like permanently. OH! And about the blog url... eunuchhorn. Unicorns are my favorite animal. Eunuch horns could be another word for a penis, and penises make me laugh. And unicorn horns are pretty phallic anyway. (Side track: are those things on top of a unicorns head called a horn or a corn? Now that I'm looking at root words and prefixes and shit I have myself confused.) Anyway, I dunno. I was thinking about unicorns but I didn't just want my blog url to be "unicorn.blogspot.com", soooo I spelled it a different way I guess. Whatever. No one is reading this still anyway.
Solution: I'm going to pretend I don't give a crap what the blog is named.
2. I tend to ramble and lose track of what the hell I was talking about (as demonstrated by point #1) and then just decide to delete all of the nonsense and then either my computer dies or I get distracted by something shiny or I just fall asleep.
Solution: I'm going to pretend I don't care if people think I'm stupid and I'll just post my long lists of stupid shit anyway.
3. I TRY to be funny. I'm told I'm funny on occasion (only when communicating by some form of text because in person I am soooo duuuummmmb for some reason) but it's 96% unintentional. I just type what I'm thinking and it happens to be funny. But for some reason when I'm writing my blog, it seems so much more permanent than if I'm texting someone or like writing a post on a messageboard.... as if people are going to go back and read my blog posts over and over... yeah right. So anyway, I get all self-conscious and TRY to be funny and end up flopping.
Solution: I'm not sure. I'm trying really hard not to edit myself right now and to not even use the backspace button or pause to think or anything, but as I'm typing I'm thinking about the last sentence I typed and whether or not I sounded like an idiot or if it was funny or what. Actually I guess the solution is to accept that most likely no one is going to read anything I ever write so it really doesn't matter. Zing!
4. I can't think of anything to write when I sit down to actually write. What's up with that? It's like, I can tell Violet the most magical bedtime story about an astronaut in space and a submarine falling in love but they can't be together because one is an Orioles fan and the other is a Yankees fan, NEVERMIND the thousands of miles or atmospheres between them (and also, how did they even meet?), but then they realize they both share the love of hotdogback riding and overcome adversity and live happily ever after. But if I sat down to write a blog about something that actually exists or a thought I actually had? Plllrrrbbbbbtttt.
Solution: Would it be lame to keep notes in my phone to remind me of things to write about in a blog? Or would that be taking myself too seriously? Hmmm, must explore this option.
5. I don't want people to actually read what I have to say. Not real life people at least. Not internet people either sometimes. But at the same time, I want everyone to read what I have to say because I'm a little bit of a narcissist and hey, MAYBE people will read my blog and their insides will swell up with adoration. But I'm also completely insecure and have a greater expectation that people will read my blog and just think "wtf."
Solution: Only let a few people read it.... for now?
Anyway, so I can't think of anything else to list and I'm bad with transitions, and I don't even have a next point to transition into anyway, so I'm going to make up a word. Oxdiesel. That's the future of the energy industry right there. (ok, I guess I kinda just put two words together rather than making up a word, but I don't see YOU making up any words, so bite me)
I just remembered something I wanted to say. I blogged about my pregnancy with Violet and it was pretty hilarious. You can read it on my myspace page, if you feel so inclined. Any entry about Growing a Blueberry is about Violet's time in my innards. (Side note: Do people use myspace at all anymore? I remember a time when I thought facebook was lame. Ha!) So I wanted to blog about my second pregnancy too. I started it but, surprise surprise, I never shared it with anyone because I thought it was lame. I also hated the name of it, and didn't make many entries into it, and all that other stuff I just listed as reasons for why I don't blog. But I went back and read it just now and I kinda like it! Now I wish I had shared it! But it's too late. So I'll share it now here, and I will also share this here abozubgo blog. Reluctantly.
Omg why am I still typing? Here's another made up word. Eesalkai. That's means goodbye.
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